Reflection

So the following post I wrote the other day but never published it. New Year’s Day is now at an end. I have to admit that he who wishes to be obeyed did say happy New Years, albeit a day early…and I haven’t noticed the smell of Cannabis in the house, though he could be out, it has been a very calm entry into 2019. I do appreciate that however I’m not holding my breath because just like a winter storm I have no idea when he will erupt or how long it will last.

Today has been a day of reflection for me. Which means it’s been an emotionally charged day. I’m not really sure what it is that ignites and fuels my minds desire to relive these memories. The emotions of regret, fear, sadness, embarrassment feel just as real now as they did in the past. Sometimes I wonder where would I be now if just one moment of my life were to change. In all honesty I can’t say I would do anything different in retrospect. Life is a lesson, you’ll keep making mistakes until you learn the lesson and move on. We make mistakes once, maybe twice, after that they are a habit.

I don’t make new year resolutions. Every day is a chance to improve. Why wait for the end of the year. I do hope for happiness, patience, and understanding which all starts with my own outlook. So I choose to be happy,

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What Does Christmas Mean

Apart from the inevitable, a celebration of the birth of Christ…I believe Christmas is the gathering of family, good food, sharing memories, laughter, and love. On Christmas morning my fur baby and I loaded the car with food and gifts then set off on our two hour road trip. We were first to arrive at my moms, followed by my brother and then my son and his girlfriend. Missing was my older brother and daughter. Thanks to Apple and FaceTime we were able to talk to them despite the distance. My son brought his in-laws pup to play with Gizzy. It was like watching toddlers, they had so much fun chasing each other and playing while we looked on in utter amusement. We ate, and ate some more, laughed over memories and caught up on each other’s lives. My son was telling us about a great game he played at the in-laws. You have headphones on and your partner says a phrase which you have to repeat. Some of the results were hilarious. My family enjoys games, age doesn’t matter, we all still love playing games. The night wore on and slowly there was only myself and the fur boy left. We spent the night and had a great time just sitting, relaxing and watching tv and chatting with my mom. This morning we loaded up the car and headed home. I spent the day reflecting on how wonderful Christmas was. Next year I can look forward to my daughter being home and you know, maybe we will all plan a trip to my older brothers for Christmas.

Christmas Countdown

The final week is upon us. I went out Saturday alone to pick up gifts for my family. He who wishes to be obeyed did not want to participate. He asked me what I want for Christmas because he isn’t going to buy something I might not want. I looked at him and my answer was “nothing”. What is the point. Gifts are given by people that genuinely are seeking to give pleasure to the recipient. I want nothing. I asked him to stop swearing at me, I asked him to stop yelling at me. I asked him to stop accusing me of untrue actions, I asked him to not smoke pot in the house. I have asked him to help me, I’ve asked him to do things around the house. He is unemployed, sits on the couch in his underwear playing video games all night. He wakes up at dinner time and expects food because he is hungry. If he is unable to comply with any of these requests why would I want a Christmas gift. It would have no meaning no sentiment it would only be him trying to look good in front of my family. That is if he goes. My plans are this coming weekend to complete the baking and start the trifle on Saturday. Sunday I’ll get the turkey and stuffing cooked. Monday I work 8-11am. I’ll come home load up the gifts for family and food, my overnight bag and the dog then head out. My family lives two hours away so I should arrive in plenty of time to heat up the food for dinner. He hasn’t said yet, he usually waits till the last minute, to say he isn’t going. I’m not expecting him to go because I plan on spending the night. That means he would have to smoke outside there and there would be no pot tolerated whatsoever. Plus he would have to get dressed. So I am looking forward to a peaceful Christmas. The weather looks like it is going to be good for driving. So Christmas will be filled with family, good food and fun.

Happy Monday !!

I like Monday’s, maybe it’s the routine of the weekdays that I like. Rather than the crazy, unknown, impromptu events of a weekend. But, weekends are great for naps lol. When I was in my twenties I don’t know how I survived on lack of sleep and lack of food. Life revolved around friends, fun and work, work was what funded the fun part. I can’t imagine going to work now with only two hours of sleep. In my thirties the lack of sleep and lack of food continued. Life now revolved around family, home and work. Work paid for the children and making a nest. When my children were born I stopped going out because I wanted to spend time with them and my first husband. My first husband and I enjoyed riding motorbikes. So fun changed into daytime trips and less dancing. Well dancing still happened if you count Barney and Sharon, Lois & Bram. I enjoyed doing activities with my kids. In my forties the kids were older and didn’t want to hang out with mom as much. That’s when hobbies came into the picture. I’m a creator, I love woodworking, sewing, crafting. Pretty much anything I can make with my hands. I took drum lessons and bought a bass guitar and started napping lol. In 2012 my first husband passed away six months after being diagnosed with cancer. My daughter by this time was now living over seas. It was just my son and I at home. We became very close. He became very protective of me. Life became a bit erratic, no sleeping napping only and eating to survive not because I was hungry. It was a bit unnerving, I was so used to being at home, I was nervous about going anywhere. My routine was changed!! I think adults are adaptable but very much like children when there is no routine. It’s an assault to the nervous system. The brain has to catch up. I’ve noticed that my dog is used to routine also. On the days I work he will lay down on the love seat when I’m leaving. But any other time he stands barking expecting to join if I leave the house. I still have naps on weekends, I still have trouble sleeping through the night, but I have my routine.

Welcome December

It may be December but according to the weather it’s more like late October. The temperature is going up to 8 today so the snow we had has melted turning the yard into a muddy mess. My trio of squirrels sit on the railing outside of the patio door waiting for me to bring them their daily ration of peanuts. Occasionally the two male bluejays sneak in and take a peanut lol. The cats enjoy watching the silly pudgy squirrels navigate the fence with their tiny mouths gripped tightly on two peanuts. Every now and then they give up and drop one. My dog gets his daily exercise by running out and doing a few circles round the yard barking at the air. He is a Yorkie but I definitely don’t want him catching the squirrels. I’ve started Christmas shopping. My daughter is the most difficult. She lives overseas so buying isn’t the concern it’s sending. This year I found a site online that puts together a gift basket, wraps the gifts and mails them. The best part they are in the Uk. Another surprise was an Etsy store in the uk that makes a Christmas Eve Box. The creator offered to fill it with treats for me and personalize the box with her name and mail directly to her. It’s exciting knowing she will be so surprised.

The house is bare of decorations as he who wishes to be obeyed does not like Christmas. He doesn’t buy gifts, he doesn’t celebrate, basically just ignores it. Our first Christmas together he asked why I bought him anything, and proceeded to tell me how useless the gifts I gave him were. It was an emotional blow. So now I celebrate it alone in our home. I bought a small live Christmas tree that I can transplant in the spring outside. At Christmas on my time off weather permitting I’ll go to spend a night with my family. A night is as long as I can go because although the dog will be with me, the cats and birds will be ignored by him so I need to return to feed them. It’s sad that someone feels so negatively about such a wonderful season. He is living in his past and can’t let go. He lashes out at people now that had nothing to do with his past and hold them accountable for actions they had no part in. How sad that is to hold so much anger.

Creators have to Create

If there is one thing to be said about a creator, it’s that they are always creating. Their mind or creative brain doesn’t quit. They are always in design mode day and night. I have a journal I keep near me to jot down ideas when they hit day and night. It’s not unusual to wake up during a deep sleep with an idea. My latest idea emerged while in the middle of a period of anger. He who wishes to be obeyed is ecstatic with the new Canadian law of legalized marijuana. I am not. The smell causes migraines for me, it lingers in the air and on my clothes. I have job which puts me in direct contact with the public. I do not want to smell like pot. I pointed this out to him. Did it change anything? Of course not and I didn’t think it would. I am angry with his selfishness, his insensitivity and lack of caring. I just described a narcissist didn’t I. I am currently secluded to one room at the back of the house with the door closed to keep out the smoke and smell. While sitting I looked at my tools and had an idea. A survivor bracelet. I chose three materials. Rattail cord which identifies the tightrope a survivor walks on, Green Jasper Agate beads signifying the hard outer shell a survivor must create in order to move forward. And a lava bead to remember that all things are possible through God. I love essential oils and can put a few drops on the lava bead which can give me something nice to smell anytime and anyplace. If you are interested as a survivor visit InsideTheJewelryBox

Life Can Be A Fairytale

Christmas isn’t all lights and wishes when you live with a narcissist, but if you have Christmas spirit in your heart it can be a fairytale. You are the key in all this, you are the snowflake that falls in the darkness, catching shards of light and turning it into sparkling diamonds giving glimpses of Christmas magic. Choose not to allow your happiness to be smothered. Let the magic in you shine. Think of your outer self as stained glass. When your light shines within it illuminates your outer beauty.

A hobby of mine is creating jewelry. I can lose hours when creating. It helps me get through the tough days. Helps me remember the creative happy person I am. He who wishes to be obeyed sees nothing valuable in my hobby. But that’s ok because I don’t share his passion for video games. We are both passionate about our hobbies we just have different interests.

Today I would love to share my passion and invite you to visit my page on Facebook, InsideTheJewelryBox .

A Fairy Tale …. of sorts

Once upon a time in a village far far away, there lived a maiden. She was not of royal decent, nor was she regal in anyway. She was simple, enjoyed a simple life, and simple pleasures. The maiden lived alone except for the company of her treasured pets. They were loyal, their love was unconditional. The maiden was happy, content in her existence.

One cold, blustery winter day the maiden met a knight on a quest. The knight was confident, somewhat arrogant but charming in a way the maiden had never experienced before. His voice echoed a sound familiar in her mind. His laughter was hypnotic, drawing her closer to the mystery of who this knight was.

Winter days soon passed, snow melted dampening the earth, new growth began and closer still the maiden became.

The knight, clad in dark armour, shielded from light would never remove his helmet to reveal himself. Would never reveal the nightmare that resided within. Always hiding the web weaved to trap the unsuspecting maiden.

It was a beautiful warm day yet in the distance dark clouds formed. The maiden thought how ominous this looked but the thought quickly left her when faced with the overwhelming charm of the knight. The maiden was oblivious to the frantic weaving of spiders that surrounded her. Tick tick tick as they spun and gathered silvery threads tick tick tick capturing the unsuspecting maiden tick tick tick forcing the maiden into a dark cold sleep tick tick tick.

Opening her eyes, the maiden thought how strange she didn’t recall falling asleep, perhaps she was still dreaming. Her surroundings whirled around her, sounds crashed like waves over her. A shadowy figure approached but never close enough, always staying within the mist that enveloped her. The knight preyed on the light within the maiden. Seeking to extinguish it like the flame of a candle with his darkness. Voices, shrill and piercing filled his head, commanding, ordering the knight to conquer the goodness, the bright light that filled the maiden.

Stay tuned!! More to come!!

Learning To Say No

It’s only two letters, but it’s the hardest to say. If you lack self esteem saying no to a narcissistic person is impossible. Or is it? Life with a narcissist goes one of two ways, with the current or against it. When you search deep within for your true self it’s amazing the power you can find to stand up to a narcissist. Don’t worry about what they will think of you, don’t worry about what they say to you. Their reaction is the result of the fact they are losing power to control you and they know it. He who wishes to be obeyed becomes nasty when this happens. He is unemployed, sits on the couch playing video games and expects to have coffee made for him, meals served, and if that doesn’t happen the storm begins. Today I went for a chiropractic appointment prior to my dental appointment. When I came home between I parked closer to our deck, when he rolled off the couch I was bombarded with questions “where were you” where I go every Friday morning the chiropractor, “where’s your car”, in the driveway, “why did you park there”, what does it matter where I park have you got nothing better to do than complain about where I park. I was given the mumble treatment after that which I just ignored. When leaving for the dentist his reply to me was “yeah you do what you gotta do and I’ll do what I gotta do”, seriously that’s the best you have lol. This was the second week I had major dental work. My mouth is full of stitches it is painful but bearable. Do I have any help, of course not, sympathy definitely not, all he wants to know is what I’ll cook because he hasn’t eaten all day. You probably are asking why am I still here..the answer is the same as most would say. I can’t afford to leave. My job wouldn’t pay rent, I have pets I love and most places refuse pets. It is easier to stay than go through the hassle of leaving, I’ve left before when I had a place to go to. If I knew then what I know now … famous last words. I can’t even say I love him anymore. He isn’t the person I met and fell in love with. We live separately his choice in the house. It’s been over a year that he started sleeping in the couch, saying it was because of his shoulder, then because he went to sleep late and didn’t want to wake me. Now he is up all night playing games and sleeps during the day. It suits me fine, I don’t have to interact with him then. It’s sad that what started out so wonderful and could be beautiful is nothing more than a lie. Maybe I’m hoping that it will change, that he does care.

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