To Myself…..

In two months I will be 55, do I have regrets? Do I have failures? Do I have achievements? Of course….I think we all do. I look in a mirror and the reflection staring back does not match how I feel within. I touch the wrinkles on my face and though they belong to someone old I do not feel old within. Does our soul, our essence of being age? I have an immaturity that still escapes now and then to enjoy a giggle, a prank, an unbridled belly laugh. If I was able to talk to myself thirty years ago would I listen?

Dear Green Eyes,

I am your future, do not be so quick to grow up. Enjoy each moment, savour it like it is the last, store the memory like a treasure. I am proud of you, your determination to be real, to be honest, to have dignity, to have morals will always be worth the fight. You will walk some roads alone and others will find you with company for a short while. Be adventurous, try everything! Do not listen to negativity because you can do anything you want. Do not listen to negativity because you can be anything you want. Do not listen to negativity because you are a miracle of God. Your life will have pitfalls but these are only lessons helping to build a strength in you. These are lessons testing your faith, testing your ability to remain true to yourself. You will have children. See the world through their eyes if you feel you have lost your inner child. Laugh!! Laugh everyday, be happy, run, skip, jump, dance and sing at the top of your lungs. Many will try to blanket your exuberance just smile at them, let them see the sparkle in your eye that reflects your soul. Share with them the joy of life, teach them to be happy. And love. First and foremost love yourself. You are a unique, wondrous creation of God. Before you can truly love another you must love yourself. You will have heartache, you will have passion, you will be loved and feel loved. You will also feel the opposite, hatred, sadness, anger but do not let these emotions stay long. Feel them then send them on their way. Be compassionate, understanding and patient.

Look in the mirror often. As you grow lines will appear. They tell the story of your life. How much you smiled, laughed, experienced, how much you loved, worried, and even cried. These lines and changes are beautiful because they are you, they are your natural authentic self.

You know there is nothing I would try to change during my life. Each trial and tribulation has brought me to where I am today, has made me strong, none of it broke me, it made me. I am proud of who I am. Proud of my accomplishments, my tenacity, my ability to rise each time I’m knocked down.

I love me.

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Seriously….

Well we made it three days into the new year before the monster from the deep emerged. I do have to laugh at the pathetic attempt he made to try and upset me.

My fur baby and I were up early, went outside and cleared the deck and driveway of snow. The plough had been by and left quite a bit at the end of the driveway. I cleaned off my car, made some pathways in the yard for the pup to run in and then started on housework. All while he who wished to be obeyed sat on the couch playing video games and barking out requests. I want treats, make me breakfast, go get the mail, the driveway didn’t need it you could just drive on it to go to work. Seriously….I simply looked at him and said if you want breakfast make it yourself. I have a feeling he has ordered more pot which would be why he wants me to go for the mail. Because I said no I was called a bitch, told I was selfish, a selfish bitch. He began putting down the jewelry I make, saying it’s junk, garbage. Well I will let you be the judge…I’ve included a photo of the piece I made this morning.

Pathetic. He just doesn’t see or hear what he is doing. And I am quite sure he doesn’t care either.

Reflection

So the following post I wrote the other day but never published it. New Year’s Day is now at an end. I have to admit that he who wishes to be obeyed did say happy New Years, albeit a day early…and I haven’t noticed the smell of Cannabis in the house, though he could be out, it has been a very calm entry into 2019. I do appreciate that however I’m not holding my breath because just like a winter storm I have no idea when he will erupt or how long it will last.

Today has been a day of reflection for me. Which means it’s been an emotionally charged day. I’m not really sure what it is that ignites and fuels my minds desire to relive these memories. The emotions of regret, fear, sadness, embarrassment feel just as real now as they did in the past. Sometimes I wonder where would I be now if just one moment of my life were to change. In all honesty I can’t say I would do anything different in retrospect. Life is a lesson, you’ll keep making mistakes until you learn the lesson and move on. We make mistakes once, maybe twice, after that they are a habit.

I don’t make new year resolutions. Every day is a chance to improve. Why wait for the end of the year. I do hope for happiness, patience, and understanding which all starts with my own outlook. So I choose to be happy,

What Does Christmas Mean

Apart from the inevitable, a celebration of the birth of Christ…I believe Christmas is the gathering of family, good food, sharing memories, laughter, and love. On Christmas morning my fur baby and I loaded the car with food and gifts then set off on our two hour road trip. We were first to arrive at my moms, followed by my brother and then my son and his girlfriend. Missing was my older brother and daughter. Thanks to Apple and FaceTime we were able to talk to them despite the distance. My son brought his in-laws pup to play with Gizzy. It was like watching toddlers, they had so much fun chasing each other and playing while we looked on in utter amusement. We ate, and ate some more, laughed over memories and caught up on each other’s lives. My son was telling us about a great game he played at the in-laws. You have headphones on and your partner says a phrase which you have to repeat. Some of the results were hilarious. My family enjoys games, age doesn’t matter, we all still love playing games. The night wore on and slowly there was only myself and the fur boy left. We spent the night and had a great time just sitting, relaxing and watching tv and chatting with my mom. This morning we loaded up the car and headed home. I spent the day reflecting on how wonderful Christmas was. Next year I can look forward to my daughter being home and you know, maybe we will all plan a trip to my older brothers for Christmas.

Christmas Countdown

The final week is upon us. I went out Saturday alone to pick up gifts for my family. He who wishes to be obeyed did not want to participate. He asked me what I want for Christmas because he isn’t going to buy something I might not want. I looked at him and my answer was “nothing”. What is the point. Gifts are given by people that genuinely are seeking to give pleasure to the recipient. I want nothing. I asked him to stop swearing at me, I asked him to stop yelling at me. I asked him to stop accusing me of untrue actions, I asked him to not smoke pot in the house. I have asked him to help me, I’ve asked him to do things around the house. He is unemployed, sits on the couch in his underwear playing video games all night. He wakes up at dinner time and expects food because he is hungry. If he is unable to comply with any of these requests why would I want a Christmas gift. It would have no meaning no sentiment it would only be him trying to look good in front of my family. That is if he goes. My plans are this coming weekend to complete the baking and start the trifle on Saturday. Sunday I’ll get the turkey and stuffing cooked. Monday I work 8-11am. I’ll come home load up the gifts for family and food, my overnight bag and the dog then head out. My family lives two hours away so I should arrive in plenty of time to heat up the food for dinner. He hasn’t said yet, he usually waits till the last minute, to say he isn’t going. I’m not expecting him to go because I plan on spending the night. That means he would have to smoke outside there and there would be no pot tolerated whatsoever. Plus he would have to get dressed. So I am looking forward to a peaceful Christmas. The weather looks like it is going to be good for driving. So Christmas will be filled with family, good food and fun.

Happy Monday !!

I like Monday’s, maybe it’s the routine of the weekdays that I like. Rather than the crazy, unknown, impromptu events of a weekend. But, weekends are great for naps lol. When I was in my twenties I don’t know how I survived on lack of sleep and lack of food. Life revolved around friends, fun and work, work was what funded the fun part. I can’t imagine going to work now with only two hours of sleep. In my thirties the lack of sleep and lack of food continued. Life now revolved around family, home and work. Work paid for the children and making a nest. When my children were born I stopped going out because I wanted to spend time with them and my first husband. My first husband and I enjoyed riding motorbikes. So fun changed into daytime trips and less dancing. Well dancing still happened if you count Barney and Sharon, Lois & Bram. I enjoyed doing activities with my kids. In my forties the kids were older and didn’t want to hang out with mom as much. That’s when hobbies came into the picture. I’m a creator, I love woodworking, sewing, crafting. Pretty much anything I can make with my hands. I took drum lessons and bought a bass guitar and started napping lol. In 2012 my first husband passed away six months after being diagnosed with cancer. My daughter by this time was now living over seas. It was just my son and I at home. We became very close. He became very protective of me. Life became a bit erratic, no sleeping napping only and eating to survive not because I was hungry. It was a bit unnerving, I was so used to being at home, I was nervous about going anywhere. My routine was changed!! I think adults are adaptable but very much like children when there is no routine. It’s an assault to the nervous system. The brain has to catch up. I’ve noticed that my dog is used to routine also. On the days I work he will lay down on the love seat when I’m leaving. But any other time he stands barking expecting to join if I leave the house. I still have naps on weekends, I still have trouble sleeping through the night, but I have my routine.

Funday Friday

Communication…what does it mean to you? Communication comes in many forms. Electronic, verbal, written, body language, tone, it’s two way. How we perceive we are communicating may not necessarily be the way we are received. In fact some people are not able to communicate and don’t even know where to begin.

He who wishes to be obeyed is one of them. His method of communication is loud, at times arrogant and forceful. The words please and thank you are lost in his vocabulary. It is almost as though kindness, compliments and good deeds make him uncomfortable and he doesn’t know how to respond. When he wants something it comes across as a demand in a snide snarky way. He doesn’t see it that way nor does he understand that’s how it sounds. It is difficult to not take his tone personally and I suppose if it wasn’t for the fact I’m interested in the psychological aspect of his personality I would be long gone. I don’t profess to understand what he went through as a child because I was raised in a loving Christian home. But I do understand what he went through was traumatic and made him who he is today.

In the bible God tells us not to judge, to turn the other cheek and to forgive. I have been blessed, my entire life God has provided and paved my way. I am where I need to be this is my purpose. He who wishes to be obeyed always says I have more faith, a stronger faith than he does. When you believe you have peace.

The Face In The Mirror

Some days I don’t recognize her…the face in the mirror staring blankly back at me. There is no spark in her eyes, no fire in her spirit. She has given up, thrown in the towel, waved the white flag. Some mornings I wake up and feel intuitively that it isn’t going to be a good day. As much as I believe everyday is a good day, only some are better than others, it becomes a chore to be positive. Some days that burden, that rock hanging on my neck feels so heavy. Those are the days that the fighter in me steps up to bat. This fighter takes over because she refuses to be silenced, she won’t allow someone to disrespect her, she refuses to allow her creativity and imagination be stepped on. I like her. She has guts. She will defend and ask questions later. She has an ally, the fighter has faith in God. Even though times may get tough the fighter has faith that God will give her wings to fly, he will be a light in the darkness, arms cradling her in the cold.

I am a fighter, I am creative, I am smart, and with God I am me.

Today Is A Sad Day….

There are many that will be able to sympathize with me today. It is definitely a sad day. My coffee maker, a popular brand that will remain unnamed, has bit the dust. Because of the size of part I need, very small yet very important, I called customer service to purchase one. The coffee maker was only purchased two years ago so it’s not that old. The part I need is a silicone gasket that surround the piercing needle to ensure a seal is created. I was informed that the coffee maker is no longer being manufactured and they have no seals….seriously you may as well have cut off my leg! Then I was told they would sell me a new one at 20% off the price. When I refused the offer the customer representative went on to apologize and offer me two boxes of 44 count coffee…. ok now call me crazy, but, I called to purchase a part for my coffee maker that is not working, and I’m offered coffee for it? I like to think of myself as a rational and common sense kind of person, but where does that make sense!! I started laughing and said unless you’re going to give me a machine that works the coffee is useless to me. Green mountain you need to tell your reps that they don’t have to stick to the script in front of them that sometimes a little brain work is necessary. I sat for a few hours looking at the part after and because I have experience with injection moulding I discovered the part separated at the knit line. I’m not one to be discouraged easily, so I figured that maybe a little Krazy Glue might work. It was delicate surgery lol. I got it glued back together then let it sit to dry. I’ve been able to make 5 cups so far. At least it will give me time to explore and compare new ones. But every time I make a cup I’m always wondering with apprehension, will this cup be the last!?!?

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