Anything but this…..

My pride and joy is my 7 year old Yorkie fur baby Gizmo. He was there when my first husband of twenty years was diagnosed with cancer. He was there when my daughter moved overseas. He was there when my son met the love of his life and moved out. And he has been with me in this relationship through the highs and lows. Gizmo goes everywhere with me. Today at his yearly vet checkup it was confirmed that one of the lumps he has is not a hernia. That was bittersweet because that meant he also had to have a biopsy today. I will be on pins and needles this next week awaiting the results. If it comes back as a lipoma that’s great because no surgery will be necessary unless it gets too large and affects his mobility. But there is the other side it could come back as cancerous and I don’t even want to think about that. I was so proud of him when they took the cell samples. He didn’t flinch or even blink. Everyone there came in to see him and give him hugs. He is a little love bug and lapped up all the attention. I broke down though….I can’t imagine a day without him.

You are probably wondering what reaction he who wishes to be obeyed had. He has been home smoking his pot and playing video games, talking to people on the games. No he is still unemployed and has not attempted to look for a job.

But that’s not my concern at this time. My concern is Gizmo and praying that the results come back in our favour.

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Winter and Cabin Fever

I wouldn’t say I’m a winter person, but, I don’t hate it. It’s the days that reach windchill factors of -30 that I would rather avoid. Even my pooch has a tough time, he will make it to the bottom of the garden but then needs to be carried back. It doesn’t take long for his little paws to freeze up. He who wishes to be obeyed has ventured out, yes he has actually stepped out of the house four times now since he lost his job last October. Twice to clear snow because the neighbor has been coming over and ploughing the driveway for me and twice to go and buy cigarettes. Other than that he is perched on the couch in underwear playing video games or watching movies barking demands, spewing insults or accusations. His latest is bombing me with boyfriend accusations. If I worked overtime, I’m out with my boyfriend, if I go to the grocery store, I have a date with my boyfriend, if I go into work early, I’m seeing my boyfriend. Just last Tuesday I was talking to my cousin who lives to the west, it was 9 here but would only be around 7 his time. He who wishes to be obeyed barked, “who are you texting this time of night”, I answered my cousin, which was met with “what’s his name”, and “sure you are”. I just shook my head. My family is disgusted to say the least at his behaviour. He tried to portray himself as the perfect person which was seen through. The only thing I haven’t told my family about is the marijuana use he has started. Day and night it smells like a skunk has gone through the house. I keep the bedroom door closed I stay in to keep the smell out. He lies to people and says he only uses it to sleep. If that was the case it’s not working very well because he is constantly high until he runs out. Then it’s mr grumpy bump on a log until more arrives in the mail. I no longer am afraid to go out of the house. If I want to go somewhere I go. I don’t tell him or look for approval I just go. Oh yes you can be sure it bothers him not having control. I’m counting the days till the park opens and I can spend time at the trailer. Bonfires, sunny days, starry nights. But until then it’s hot chocolate, blankets, and snowy days.

To Myself…..

In two months I will be 55, do I have regrets? Do I have failures? Do I have achievements? Of course….I think we all do. I look in a mirror and the reflection staring back does not match how I feel within. I touch the wrinkles on my face and though they belong to someone old I do not feel old within. Does our soul, our essence of being age? I have an immaturity that still escapes now and then to enjoy a giggle, a prank, an unbridled belly laugh. If I was able to talk to myself thirty years ago would I listen?

Dear Green Eyes,

I am your future, do not be so quick to grow up. Enjoy each moment, savour it like it is the last, store the memory like a treasure. I am proud of you, your determination to be real, to be honest, to have dignity, to have morals will always be worth the fight. You will walk some roads alone and others will find you with company for a short while. Be adventurous, try everything! Do not listen to negativity because you can do anything you want. Do not listen to negativity because you can be anything you want. Do not listen to negativity because you are a miracle of God. Your life will have pitfalls but these are only lessons helping to build a strength in you. These are lessons testing your faith, testing your ability to remain true to yourself. You will have children. See the world through their eyes if you feel you have lost your inner child. Laugh!! Laugh everyday, be happy, run, skip, jump, dance and sing at the top of your lungs. Many will try to blanket your exuberance just smile at them, let them see the sparkle in your eye that reflects your soul. Share with them the joy of life, teach them to be happy. And love. First and foremost love yourself. You are a unique, wondrous creation of God. Before you can truly love another you must love yourself. You will have heartache, you will have passion, you will be loved and feel loved. You will also feel the opposite, hatred, sadness, anger but do not let these emotions stay long. Feel them then send them on their way. Be compassionate, understanding and patient.

Look in the mirror often. As you grow lines will appear. They tell the story of your life. How much you smiled, laughed, experienced, how much you loved, worried, and even cried. These lines and changes are beautiful because they are you, they are your natural authentic self.

You know there is nothing I would try to change during my life. Each trial and tribulation has brought me to where I am today, has made me strong, none of it broke me, it made me. I am proud of who I am. Proud of my accomplishments, my tenacity, my ability to rise each time I’m knocked down.

I love me.

What Does Christmas Mean

Apart from the inevitable, a celebration of the birth of Christ…I believe Christmas is the gathering of family, good food, sharing memories, laughter, and love. On Christmas morning my fur baby and I loaded the car with food and gifts then set off on our two hour road trip. We were first to arrive at my moms, followed by my brother and then my son and his girlfriend. Missing was my older brother and daughter. Thanks to Apple and FaceTime we were able to talk to them despite the distance. My son brought his in-laws pup to play with Gizzy. It was like watching toddlers, they had so much fun chasing each other and playing while we looked on in utter amusement. We ate, and ate some more, laughed over memories and caught up on each other’s lives. My son was telling us about a great game he played at the in-laws. You have headphones on and your partner says a phrase which you have to repeat. Some of the results were hilarious. My family enjoys games, age doesn’t matter, we all still love playing games. The night wore on and slowly there was only myself and the fur boy left. We spent the night and had a great time just sitting, relaxing and watching tv and chatting with my mom. This morning we loaded up the car and headed home. I spent the day reflecting on how wonderful Christmas was. Next year I can look forward to my daughter being home and you know, maybe we will all plan a trip to my older brothers for Christmas.

Christmas Countdown

The final week is upon us. I went out Saturday alone to pick up gifts for my family. He who wishes to be obeyed did not want to participate. He asked me what I want for Christmas because he isn’t going to buy something I might not want. I looked at him and my answer was “nothing”. What is the point. Gifts are given by people that genuinely are seeking to give pleasure to the recipient. I want nothing. I asked him to stop swearing at me, I asked him to stop yelling at me. I asked him to stop accusing me of untrue actions, I asked him to not smoke pot in the house. I have asked him to help me, I’ve asked him to do things around the house. He is unemployed, sits on the couch in his underwear playing video games all night. He wakes up at dinner time and expects food because he is hungry. If he is unable to comply with any of these requests why would I want a Christmas gift. It would have no meaning no sentiment it would only be him trying to look good in front of my family. That is if he goes. My plans are this coming weekend to complete the baking and start the trifle on Saturday. Sunday I’ll get the turkey and stuffing cooked. Monday I work 8-11am. I’ll come home load up the gifts for family and food, my overnight bag and the dog then head out. My family lives two hours away so I should arrive in plenty of time to heat up the food for dinner. He hasn’t said yet, he usually waits till the last minute, to say he isn’t going. I’m not expecting him to go because I plan on spending the night. That means he would have to smoke outside there and there would be no pot tolerated whatsoever. Plus he would have to get dressed. So I am looking forward to a peaceful Christmas. The weather looks like it is going to be good for driving. So Christmas will be filled with family, good food and fun.

Somehow This Will All Come Back On Me…

I feel like one of the three little pigs with the wolf blowing at my door. He who wishes to be obeyed is targeting work this week. He hates his new job, it’s been 2 1/2 months and already he is threatening them he will quit because he doesn’t like the jobs he’s being given. Now correct me if I’m wrong, but when you hate your job and quit on the spot to go to another job, wouldn’t it look a tad suspect to the next employer that you may not be reliable. I mean, saying you didn’t like your job, as a reason for quitting doesn’t rank too high does it? I love my job, I loved every job I’ve ever had. Sure there was problems they weren’t all perfect but in each one there was something I loved about it. I think that is the narcissists problem that they are unable to be optimistic, positivity doesn’t exist, well they can fake it but honestly they don’t have a positive bone in their body. We are all faced with issues, how we react will determine the outcome. You will either learn and move on or complain and stay stuck in your rut.

The Empath

Quite often I find myself embarrassed for he who wishes to be obeyed. Particularly when it comes to my family. This year he began a new behaviour, if it had to do with my family he would either start a fight or have something else to do to avoid seeing them. My mom is 88 and the sweetest, kindest person you could ask to have as a mother in law. She doesn’t cause problems, say anything negative or talk bad about anyone. How on earth can he be so cruel to ignore her. She goes out of her way to be nice and this is the treatment she gets. My daughter flew in from overseas for a week and he didn’t even have the decency to greet her. I know what you’re going to say, he is doing this to hurt me, he knows his treatment towards them will bother me. And you’re right. I lost my dad when I was 27, my mom means the world to me. At 88 she could be here for another ten years or ten days. So to be treated with such disrespect is deplorable. I suppose I shouldn’t expect more as he ignores his own family and treats them no better. I used to make excuses for him, I no longer do that. I say exactly what he is doing. Yet still I feel bad because I don’t want them to think it’s because of something they did. I don’t believe he is able to keep up the act he presented which is why he avoids them. You’ve heard the phrase “oh what a tangled web we weave when first we practice to deceive ” well I believe he had tangled himself up and doesn’t know how to get out. When we lie we have to continue to lie in order to cover up each one. Eventually it catches up to you and you can’t remember what you’ve said or who you’ve said it to. Honesty is the best policy. If you are honest you will be respected. But lie, and people lose faith in you and no longer know what to believe.

Cloud Nine

I’m on cloud nine right now. Even he who wishes to be obeyed cant bring me down. In one week and two days my daughter is coming home for a week. She is attending university overseas so I don’t really get to see her very much. She is my first born, the one who taught me how to love unconditionally, the one that brought the best out in me, who showed me how to look at the world with a child’s eyes. I have two children. A daughter and son. They are very different yet the same. They have passion, drive, determination, one is quiet and the other outgoing, they are both dedicated, loving and make their mama proud. I don’t tell them about my life because I know they would have something to say. You see, parents also don’t want to worry their children. When my first husband was sick I saw how much it hurt the children and the aftermath. Now the main concern is they don’t want to lose their mom ever. I quit smoking, live a healthier life. When I told my boy I was quitting, he cried. That’s how much it meant to him. It broke my heart to know he carried such a burden worrying about me.

So for the next week I am in plan mode! My daughter turned 28 in August so I think a belated birthday party will be fun and an early Christmas celebration.

I have to admit that if it weren’t for Facebook messaging, as well as Apple FaceTime, this distance apart would be unbearable. Thanks to technology when we talk it feels like she isn’t very far away. Can you just imagine what technology will be like in another 20 years!!

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