Today Is A Low Day

Every now and then he gets to me. He pushes the right button says the right mean things hits the spot that breaks me completely emotionally. Many of you know I make jewelry in my spare time. It gives me something to focus on a place to fade into that is enjoyable has no yelling. I don’t sell a lot but I sell enough to break even. I made a comment this morning about my jewelry business and that gave him an open door to start. His words were like knives stabbing at my self confidence, attacking my creativity, stating I have no business it’s nothing. On and on he went. I had to walk away because I could no longer hold back the tears, my pride my self worth my feelings of accomplishment all shattered in a million pieces, I feel like I’m holding sand and it’s slipping away between my fingers.

I can understand why so many involved with narcissist partners lose hope, lose their sense of self.

And I know many of you will say he is only jealous because of the success I’ve had selling and having my jewelry published in a magazine. Despite all that it still hurts, it still cuts and I still feel like I’ve had the wind knocked out of me.

So like an injured animal I’m going to retreat today and tend to my wounded spirit.

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Life Can Be Strange

Life can be strange and blessings stranger. He who wishes to be obeyed is still unemployed, for some reason he is speaking nicely to me at this time. That only means he wants something, has done something or is about to.

I haven’t heard anything about the housing application I filled out. Housing is limited. And anyone who is high priority will receive it first. But that’s ok because I’m becoming stronger and more self assured each day. He can no longer bully me into doing things and yelling at me doesn’t work because I just walk away. I am able to stand with my head held high and with authority tell him no.

Now for great news!! As you know I make jewelry as a hobby. I’m excited to announce three of my pieces are in the Inspiration section of Making Jewellery Magazine issue 127 released today! I am proud, I am thrilled, I’m tickled pink lol.

He can tell me all he wants my hobby is nothing. I have proof it’s more than he gives credit for.

Visit me on Instagram to follow or hit a like button or two or three lol.

Anything but this…..

My pride and joy is my 7 year old Yorkie fur baby Gizmo. He was there when my first husband of twenty years was diagnosed with cancer. He was there when my daughter moved overseas. He was there when my son met the love of his life and moved out. And he has been with me in this relationship through the highs and lows. Gizmo goes everywhere with me. Today at his yearly vet checkup it was confirmed that one of the lumps he has is not a hernia. That was bittersweet because that meant he also had to have a biopsy today. I will be on pins and needles this next week awaiting the results. If it comes back as a lipoma that’s great because no surgery will be necessary unless it gets too large and affects his mobility. But there is the other side it could come back as cancerous and I don’t even want to think about that. I was so proud of him when they took the cell samples. He didn’t flinch or even blink. Everyone there came in to see him and give him hugs. He is a little love bug and lapped up all the attention. I broke down though….I can’t imagine a day without him.

You are probably wondering what reaction he who wishes to be obeyed had. He has been home smoking his pot and playing video games, talking to people on the games. No he is still unemployed and has not attempted to look for a job.

But that’s not my concern at this time. My concern is Gizmo and praying that the results come back in our favour.

Happy Heart Day To All

Happy heart day everyone. I have had the pleasure of watching young love and old love around me enjoying the day set aside for them to celebrate their love. I do not feel cheated that for myself the day has no meaning. I do however feel slightly embarrassed when I’m asked what did you get for valentines, or are you going somewhere special for dinner, and my answer is simply we choose not to celebrate this day and move on to talk about something else. But it does not stop me from wishing others a happy heart day. I do wish I had something to celebrate…I know it will be happy furentines. My fur babies will be my valentines lol. Their love is unconditional, no matter what they are happy to see me. They never complain about their food. Lol.

Happy Furentines everyone that has fur babies. May their noses be cold and kisses sloppy.

Tiny Steps

Picture yourself on a tightrope, all is well but now the wind is picking, you have no control nothing to grasp, you begin to fall…..he who wishes to be obeyed has lost control, is grasping at lose ends, has entered panic mode. Because I have limited income from my job, I have applied for income assisted housing. Even if I was able to financially obtain an apartment there are none available. My family is not in a position to help with accommodation, they live two hours away. And, I would not think of asking them for money. I don’t want them worried about what he may do. So….I will wait till I hear from the city before telling them. It’s a tiny step, but it is a step none the less. I still am struggling with the things he says to me that tend to create self doubt. I know it comes from his awareness of losing control. I know that is what a narcissist fears most. But it is still degrading and fear invoking.

It’s been a roller coaster morning of him yelling in my face that I’m the reason for our problems, that I’m the one that makes people crazy. Then the ordering, that I will do everything a wife is expected to do and if I don’t then I had better get out. I reminded him that I was waiting to hear back from housing and was told to remember he has no job so I can’t go for any spousal. I just want to take what little possessions I have left now and leave. So dear readers, wish me the best and remember to look for updates.

Winter and Cabin Fever

I wouldn’t say I’m a winter person, but, I don’t hate it. It’s the days that reach windchill factors of -30 that I would rather avoid. Even my pooch has a tough time, he will make it to the bottom of the garden but then needs to be carried back. It doesn’t take long for his little paws to freeze up. He who wishes to be obeyed has ventured out, yes he has actually stepped out of the house four times now since he lost his job last October. Twice to clear snow because the neighbor has been coming over and ploughing the driveway for me and twice to go and buy cigarettes. Other than that he is perched on the couch in underwear playing video games or watching movies barking demands, spewing insults or accusations. His latest is bombing me with boyfriend accusations. If I worked overtime, I’m out with my boyfriend, if I go to the grocery store, I have a date with my boyfriend, if I go into work early, I’m seeing my boyfriend. Just last Tuesday I was talking to my cousin who lives to the west, it was 9 here but would only be around 7 his time. He who wishes to be obeyed barked, “who are you texting this time of night”, I answered my cousin, which was met with “what’s his name”, and “sure you are”. I just shook my head. My family is disgusted to say the least at his behaviour. He tried to portray himself as the perfect person which was seen through. The only thing I haven’t told my family about is the marijuana use he has started. Day and night it smells like a skunk has gone through the house. I keep the bedroom door closed I stay in to keep the smell out. He lies to people and says he only uses it to sleep. If that was the case it’s not working very well because he is constantly high until he runs out. Then it’s mr grumpy bump on a log until more arrives in the mail. I no longer am afraid to go out of the house. If I want to go somewhere I go. I don’t tell him or look for approval I just go. Oh yes you can be sure it bothers him not having control. I’m counting the days till the park opens and I can spend time at the trailer. Bonfires, sunny days, starry nights. But until then it’s hot chocolate, blankets, and snowy days.

Seriously….

Well we made it three days into the new year before the monster from the deep emerged. I do have to laugh at the pathetic attempt he made to try and upset me.

My fur baby and I were up early, went outside and cleared the deck and driveway of snow. The plough had been by and left quite a bit at the end of the driveway. I cleaned off my car, made some pathways in the yard for the pup to run in and then started on housework. All while he who wished to be obeyed sat on the couch playing video games and barking out requests. I want treats, make me breakfast, go get the mail, the driveway didn’t need it you could just drive on it to go to work. Seriously….I simply looked at him and said if you want breakfast make it yourself. I have a feeling he has ordered more pot which would be why he wants me to go for the mail. Because I said no I was called a bitch, told I was selfish, a selfish bitch. He began putting down the jewelry I make, saying it’s junk, garbage. Well I will let you be the judge…I’ve included a photo of the piece I made this morning.

Pathetic. He just doesn’t see or hear what he is doing. And I am quite sure he doesn’t care either.

Reflection

So the following post I wrote the other day but never published it. New Year’s Day is now at an end. I have to admit that he who wishes to be obeyed did say happy New Years, albeit a day early…and I haven’t noticed the smell of Cannabis in the house, though he could be out, it has been a very calm entry into 2019. I do appreciate that however I’m not holding my breath because just like a winter storm I have no idea when he will erupt or how long it will last.

Today has been a day of reflection for me. Which means it’s been an emotionally charged day. I’m not really sure what it is that ignites and fuels my minds desire to relive these memories. The emotions of regret, fear, sadness, embarrassment feel just as real now as they did in the past. Sometimes I wonder where would I be now if just one moment of my life were to change. In all honesty I can’t say I would do anything different in retrospect. Life is a lesson, you’ll keep making mistakes until you learn the lesson and move on. We make mistakes once, maybe twice, after that they are a habit.

I don’t make new year resolutions. Every day is a chance to improve. Why wait for the end of the year. I do hope for happiness, patience, and understanding which all starts with my own outlook. So I choose to be happy,

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