Happy Monday !!

I like Monday’s, maybe it’s the routine of the weekdays that I like. Rather than the crazy, unknown, impromptu events of a weekend. But, weekends are great for naps lol. When I was in my twenties I don’t know how I survived on lack of sleep and lack of food. Life revolved around friends, fun and work, work was what funded the fun part. I can’t imagine going to work now with only two hours of sleep. In my thirties the lack of sleep and lack of food continued. Life now revolved around family, home and work. Work paid for the children and making a nest. When my children were born I stopped going out because I wanted to spend time with them and my first husband. My first husband and I enjoyed riding motorbikes. So fun changed into daytime trips and less dancing. Well dancing still happened if you count Barney and Sharon, Lois & Bram. I enjoyed doing activities with my kids. In my forties the kids were older and didn’t want to hang out with mom as much. That’s when hobbies came into the picture. I’m a creator, I love woodworking, sewing, crafting. Pretty much anything I can make with my hands. I took drum lessons and bought a bass guitar and started napping lol. In 2012 my first husband passed away six months after being diagnosed with cancer. My daughter by this time was now living over seas. It was just my son and I at home. We became very close. He became very protective of me. Life became a bit erratic, no sleeping napping only and eating to survive not because I was hungry. It was a bit unnerving, I was so used to being at home, I was nervous about going anywhere. My routine was changed!! I think adults are adaptable but very much like children when there is no routine. It’s an assault to the nervous system. The brain has to catch up. I’ve noticed that my dog is used to routine also. On the days I work he will lay down on the love seat when I’m leaving. But any other time he stands barking expecting to join if I leave the house. I still have naps on weekends, I still have trouble sleeping through the night, but I have my routine.

Welcome December

It may be December but according to the weather it’s more like late October. The temperature is going up to 8 today so the snow we had has melted turning the yard into a muddy mess. My trio of squirrels sit on the railing outside of the patio door waiting for me to bring them their daily ration of peanuts. Occasionally the two male bluejays sneak in and take a peanut lol. The cats enjoy watching the silly pudgy squirrels navigate the fence with their tiny mouths gripped tightly on two peanuts. Every now and then they give up and drop one. My dog gets his daily exercise by running out and doing a few circles round the yard barking at the air. He is a Yorkie but I definitely don’t want him catching the squirrels. I’ve started Christmas shopping. My daughter is the most difficult. She lives overseas so buying isn’t the concern it’s sending. This year I found a site online that puts together a gift basket, wraps the gifts and mails them. The best part they are in the Uk. Another surprise was an Etsy store in the uk that makes a Christmas Eve Box. The creator offered to fill it with treats for me and personalize the box with her name and mail directly to her. It’s exciting knowing she will be so surprised.

The house is bare of decorations as he who wishes to be obeyed does not like Christmas. He doesn’t buy gifts, he doesn’t celebrate, basically just ignores it. Our first Christmas together he asked why I bought him anything, and proceeded to tell me how useless the gifts I gave him were. It was an emotional blow. So now I celebrate it alone in our home. I bought a small live Christmas tree that I can transplant in the spring outside. At Christmas on my time off weather permitting I’ll go to spend a night with my family. A night is as long as I can go because although the dog will be with me, the cats and birds will be ignored by him so I need to return to feed them. It’s sad that someone feels so negatively about such a wonderful season. He is living in his past and can’t let go. He lashes out at people now that had nothing to do with his past and hold them accountable for actions they had no part in. How sad that is to hold so much anger.

Creators have to Create

If there is one thing to be said about a creator, it’s that they are always creating. Their mind or creative brain doesn’t quit. They are always in design mode day and night. I have a journal I keep near me to jot down ideas when they hit day and night. It’s not unusual to wake up during a deep sleep with an idea. My latest idea emerged while in the middle of a period of anger. He who wishes to be obeyed is ecstatic with the new Canadian law of legalized marijuana. I am not. The smell causes migraines for me, it lingers in the air and on my clothes. I have job which puts me in direct contact with the public. I do not want to smell like pot. I pointed this out to him. Did it change anything? Of course not and I didn’t think it would. I am angry with his selfishness, his insensitivity and lack of caring. I just described a narcissist didn’t I. I am currently secluded to one room at the back of the house with the door closed to keep out the smoke and smell. While sitting I looked at my tools and had an idea. A survivor bracelet. I chose three materials. Rattail cord which identifies the tightrope a survivor walks on, Green Jasper Agate beads signifying the hard outer shell a survivor must create in order to move forward. And a lava bead to remember that all things are possible through God. I love essential oils and can put a few drops on the lava bead which can give me something nice to smell anytime and anyplace. If you are interested as a survivor visit InsideTheJewelryBox

A Fairy Tale …. of sorts

Once upon a time in a village far far away, there lived a maiden. She was not of royal decent, nor was she regal in anyway. She was simple, enjoyed a simple life, and simple pleasures. The maiden lived alone except for the company of her treasured pets. They were loyal, their love was unconditional. The maiden was happy, content in her existence.

One cold, blustery winter day the maiden met a knight on a quest. The knight was confident, somewhat arrogant but charming in a way the maiden had never experienced before. His voice echoed a sound familiar in her mind. His laughter was hypnotic, drawing her closer to the mystery of who this knight was.

Winter days soon passed, snow melted dampening the earth, new growth began and closer still the maiden became.

The knight, clad in dark armour, shielded from light would never remove his helmet to reveal himself. Would never reveal the nightmare that resided within. Always hiding the web weaved to trap the unsuspecting maiden.

It was a beautiful warm day yet in the distance dark clouds formed. The maiden thought how ominous this looked but the thought quickly left her when faced with the overwhelming charm of the knight. The maiden was oblivious to the frantic weaving of spiders that surrounded her. Tick tick tick as they spun and gathered silvery threads tick tick tick capturing the unsuspecting maiden tick tick tick forcing the maiden into a dark cold sleep tick tick tick.

Opening her eyes, the maiden thought how strange she didn’t recall falling asleep, perhaps she was still dreaming. Her surroundings whirled around her, sounds crashed like waves over her. A shadowy figure approached but never close enough, always staying within the mist that enveloped her. The knight preyed on the light within the maiden. Seeking to extinguish it like the flame of a candle with his darkness. Voices, shrill and piercing filled his head, commanding, ordering the knight to conquer the goodness, the bright light that filled the maiden.

Stay tuned!! More to come!!

Learning To Say No

It’s only two letters, but it’s the hardest to say. If you lack self esteem saying no to a narcissistic person is impossible. Or is it? Life with a narcissist goes one of two ways, with the current or against it. When you search deep within for your true self it’s amazing the power you can find to stand up to a narcissist. Don’t worry about what they will think of you, don’t worry about what they say to you. Their reaction is the result of the fact they are losing power to control you and they know it. He who wishes to be obeyed becomes nasty when this happens. He is unemployed, sits on the couch playing video games and expects to have coffee made for him, meals served, and if that doesn’t happen the storm begins. Today I went for a chiropractic appointment prior to my dental appointment. When I came home between I parked closer to our deck, when he rolled off the couch I was bombarded with questions “where were you” where I go every Friday morning the chiropractor, “where’s your car”, in the driveway, “why did you park there”, what does it matter where I park have you got nothing better to do than complain about where I park. I was given the mumble treatment after that which I just ignored. When leaving for the dentist his reply to me was “yeah you do what you gotta do and I’ll do what I gotta do”, seriously that’s the best you have lol. This was the second week I had major dental work. My mouth is full of stitches it is painful but bearable. Do I have any help, of course not, sympathy definitely not, all he wants to know is what I’ll cook because he hasn’t eaten all day. You probably are asking why am I still here..the answer is the same as most would say. I can’t afford to leave. My job wouldn’t pay rent, I have pets I love and most places refuse pets. It is easier to stay than go through the hassle of leaving, I’ve left before when I had a place to go to. If I knew then what I know now … famous last words. I can’t even say I love him anymore. He isn’t the person I met and fell in love with. We live separately his choice in the house. It’s been over a year that he started sleeping in the couch, saying it was because of his shoulder, then because he went to sleep late and didn’t want to wake me. Now he is up all night playing games and sleeps during the day. It suits me fine, I don’t have to interact with him then. It’s sad that what started out so wonderful and could be beautiful is nothing more than a lie. Maybe I’m hoping that it will change, that he does care.

Somehow This Will All Come Back On Me…

I feel like one of the three little pigs with the wolf blowing at my door. He who wishes to be obeyed is targeting work this week. He hates his new job, it’s been 2 1/2 months and already he is threatening them he will quit because he doesn’t like the jobs he’s being given. Now correct me if I’m wrong, but when you hate your job and quit on the spot to go to another job, wouldn’t it look a tad suspect to the next employer that you may not be reliable. I mean, saying you didn’t like your job, as a reason for quitting doesn’t rank too high does it? I love my job, I loved every job I’ve ever had. Sure there was problems they weren’t all perfect but in each one there was something I loved about it. I think that is the narcissists problem that they are unable to be optimistic, positivity doesn’t exist, well they can fake it but honestly they don’t have a positive bone in their body. We are all faced with issues, how we react will determine the outcome. You will either learn and move on or complain and stay stuck in your rut.

A Wonderful Week Is Over

For the past week my mom and daughter were staying at my trailer. It was wonderful to have them both nearby. We went shopping, sat by a bob fire, laughed, talked and enjoyed each others company. He who wishes to be obeyed was on his best behaviour lol. He hasn’t shown his true colours to my family because he usually chooses to avoid them. It cuts down on the time he has to pretend to be the perfect spouse. Although I have noticed that when talking to them he typically gets the conversation in the poor me direction that he is treated so poorly at work, as well as how perfect he is and how they would be lost without him. My dad used to say in any job you’re only as good as your last paycheque.

On Thursday I drove them back to my moms. Last night my daughter flew back home and today we are back to normal.

He who wishes to be obeyed and I had plans to go for breakfast, then run some errands to pick up supplies to close the trailer next weekend. As usual breakfast never happened. He went to sleep last night at 6 pm got up at 4am to play video games and when I got up he decided to go back to sleep. I asked about our plans and his reply was he was tired. So nothing was done. Yes he expects me to do it on my own. He will also accuse me of meeting up with someone should I go out alone. He calls me while working and I sit on the phone for hours listening to him work. He believes I go out wandering around on my days off while he works. I must have a housework fairy, grocery fairy and laundry fairy.

So that which was remains the same however I have wonderful memories when I close my eyes of my mom and daughter.

The Empath

Quite often I find myself embarrassed for he who wishes to be obeyed. Particularly when it comes to my family. This year he began a new behaviour, if it had to do with my family he would either start a fight or have something else to do to avoid seeing them. My mom is 88 and the sweetest, kindest person you could ask to have as a mother in law. She doesn’t cause problems, say anything negative or talk bad about anyone. How on earth can he be so cruel to ignore her. She goes out of her way to be nice and this is the treatment she gets. My daughter flew in from overseas for a week and he didn’t even have the decency to greet her. I know what you’re going to say, he is doing this to hurt me, he knows his treatment towards them will bother me. And you’re right. I lost my dad when I was 27, my mom means the world to me. At 88 she could be here for another ten years or ten days. So to be treated with such disrespect is deplorable. I suppose I shouldn’t expect more as he ignores his own family and treats them no better. I used to make excuses for him, I no longer do that. I say exactly what he is doing. Yet still I feel bad because I don’t want them to think it’s because of something they did. I don’t believe he is able to keep up the act he presented which is why he avoids them. You’ve heard the phrase “oh what a tangled web we weave when first we practice to deceive ” well I believe he had tangled himself up and doesn’t know how to get out. When we lie we have to continue to lie in order to cover up each one. Eventually it catches up to you and you can’t remember what you’ve said or who you’ve said it to. Honesty is the best policy. If you are honest you will be respected. But lie, and people lose faith in you and no longer know what to believe.

Self Empowerment

Being in a narcissistic relationship isn’t easy. The narcissist will cast doubt, you will feel defeated, depression will set in, your self esteem and confidence will take a blow, but it doesn’t have to be this way. Allow yourself to feel these emotions and then immediately follow with self empowerment. Remember there are hundreds if not thousands of people who love, cherish and appreciate you just the way you are compared to the narcissist who is only one. Strangers that you smile at that have had their day improved because of your smile. The person you let in during traffic, the clerk you asked how their day was, the person you spent a few moments talking to in the grocery store, the neighbor you stopped to help who was struggling, family you spent time with, all of these people appreciate your efforts because your actions were done freely, not selfishly. You are not the narcissist, you are not responsible for their behaviour. Remember they are responsible for their behaviour and you are responsible for how you react to it. They want you to fail, want you to feel bad, want to control you. If you allow them the power they will take it, if you allow them to disrespect you they will. Start today, hold your head high, remember, you are loved, appreciated, and you are beautiful.

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