Today Is A Low Day

Every now and then he gets to me. He pushes the right button says the right mean things hits the spot that breaks me completely emotionally. Many of you know I make jewelry in my spare time. It gives me something to focus on a place to fade into that is enjoyable has no yelling. I don’t sell a lot but I sell enough to break even. I made a comment this morning about my jewelry business and that gave him an open door to start. His words were like knives stabbing at my self confidence, attacking my creativity, stating I have no business it’s nothing. On and on he went. I had to walk away because I could no longer hold back the tears, my pride my self worth my feelings of accomplishment all shattered in a million pieces, I feel like I’m holding sand and it’s slipping away between my fingers.

I can understand why so many involved with narcissist partners lose hope, lose their sense of self.

And I know many of you will say he is only jealous because of the success I’ve had selling and having my jewelry published in a magazine. Despite all that it still hurts, it still cuts and I still feel like I’ve had the wind knocked out of me.

So like an injured animal I’m going to retreat today and tend to my wounded spirit.

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Breathe, count to 10

The hardest part about being in a relationship with a narcissist is not allowing yourself to become petty or vindictive. When the insults are thrown it’s hard not to take it personally. To day when I got up I was met in the hall by he who wishes to be obeyed and a bag of chips pushed in my face. 7am and he is eating chips. I was accused of deliberately squashing them. I looked at him in disbelief as he ranted about how I had better not buy any more broken chips. I knew what happened but had no desire to explain as he really didn’t care the other day as I tried to open the door and navigate my way in with the box of groceries which I lost and as I scrambled to grab the box got my hand caught.

I had called to him in the house to come help me but he was busy playing video games. I have been subjected today to being told I’m worse than anyone he has been with and deserve to be punched. His first marriage lasted 6months, one girlfriend ended up dating his brother and marrying him, another girl lived with him for a few years and left him because of abuse. His son and daughter want nothing to do with him and he has no idea where they are. Do I wish I had known this before yes, would I have done things differently yes. Would I have ran the other way most certainly. But for now I will wait patiently for housing to find me a place. I don’t think the reality has really hit him. I think he believes I’m not going to leave. When that door opens I’ll be running.

Living The Dream…seriously now.

I think this is where faith comes in handy. Each day being on a waiting list for housing feels like an eternity. It allows he who wishes to be obeyed find small things to either complain about or orchestrate into a mountain. Like today, I get up make breakfast, of course he was up all night so while I was cooking he goes to sleep. He gets up at 4:30 pm eats the breakfast then complains there is no dinner made. I am told what goes around comes around and I will get mine for how I treat him. Currently he must be allowing his true nature out because so called friends on the games he played are unfriending him. In one sense I have to laugh, to sit and listen to the conversation is like listening to 14 year olds. Are these adults going to play games when they are 60 or 70? How many senior gamers are out there?

I pray that an apartment becomes available. I can’t believe the cost of an apartment these days. How do young couples survive.

Some days I feel like I am treading water near the shoreline while the shark is feet away in the deeper water just waiting for me to make a mistake.

Once I move I know there will be a lengthy period of healing to go through. The shock of not having to be on guard each day, being able to sleep without someone yelling constantly through the night, making food and being able to enjoy it, I think the big one will be sleep. I’m feeling the lack of proper rest, it makes your nerves raw, no desire to do anything. No verbal attacks.

Until then, I’ll just keep saying to myself, living the Dream.

A Day In The Life….

You open your eyes and listen…you hear the rustle of the cat playing, feel the pressure of the dog laying against you. No noise from the narc. The last time you heard them was at 4am yelling about another player on the video game cheating and how he was going to teach them a lesson. Through out the night you’d be woken by his booming voice and laughter being life of the party with his friends. He calls them friends even though they have never met and maybe if they did know him maybe they wouldn’t be interested. You get all total about 3-4 hours sleep a night because you’re woken non stop. He will crash around 4 or 5 am and sleep for 6-8 hours. While he is sleeping you go about your day being as quiet as possible because it would be hell if you woke him. Some days he wants to interact and will stay up just to throw insults or start fights. Most days it’s easy to ignore the verbal bait but sometimes it’s unbearable because a nerve has been hit. Your mind isn’t relaxed you are always on alert. He knows I’m waiting for housing to leave and is using everything he possibly can to upset me. He has threatened to burn down the trailer, open the door and let my pets out (the cats are indoor and the dog would run). He has threatened to sell the house for what is owing so I get nothing. I just want to leave, take my pets and go. Most days I feel depressed, covered in a dark cloud. I love my job the people are wonderful my boss is great. It’s a retreat for me. My hobby is a place to escape.

When I hear him waking it’s time to prepare a meal. He doesn’t like change or anything different it’s mashed potatoes and meat. I have to make sure he has bags of potato chips, pudding and other treats to snack on. Oh and coke. He drinks nothing but coke, no water no juice just coke. When I buy fruits and veggies I get yelled at for buying something he doesn’t like. And he claims I never buy anything he likes. It’s the narcs game, blame blame blame deny deny deny. It’s frustrating you feel like you’re losing your mind.

On nice days I like to sit outside with the dog and close my eyes, let the breeze brush over me and feel the warmth of the sun on my face. For a brief moment I can forget and just be…..

The System Has To Change

It’s time for an update! So as some of you know I have applied for housing to get out from under he who wishes to be obeyed. I am on the waiting list for three different places. I am not eligible for priority housing though because I have no police reports, no counselling reports, and no dr reports. Verbal and mental abuse is recognized to be eligible for priority but very difficult to prove when your abuser is careful what they do and say in front of others. I have over twenty recordings of him threatening to harm my pets, threatening what he will do to me, yelling cursing accusing me of doing things and not doing things, and the ultimate involuntary sex where he is yelling at me to remove clothes and I am saying no the animals are barking and hissing at him and he is pushing them away and yelling at them. These recordings however are not permitted. I can completely understand the frustration felt by mental and verbally abused victims. They feel alone, isolated, no one believes them because “he is such a charming guy” in front of them and they have never seen him angry. There is no way to win with a narcissist. If you lose weight you’re on drugs or seeing someone. If you gain weight you’re on drugs or doing it to make him mad. If you’re home late from work you’re cheating. If you’re home early you didn’t go to work instead you were cheating. You will never clean to his satisfaction. Nothing you cook will taste right or be cooked properly. You never do what he wants, buy what he wants or have sex the way he wants. Unless you have the money you will feel stuck between a rock and a hard place. Run when you can. Just run!

Fear

Your fear, camouflaged by razor words,

Slicing my flesh.

The sting of your vile temper,

Piercing my solitude.

Struggling to keep my head above water,

Gasping for air.

Life Can Be Strange

Life can be strange and blessings stranger. He who wishes to be obeyed is still unemployed, for some reason he is speaking nicely to me at this time. That only means he wants something, has done something or is about to.

I haven’t heard anything about the housing application I filled out. Housing is limited. And anyone who is high priority will receive it first. But that’s ok because I’m becoming stronger and more self assured each day. He can no longer bully me into doing things and yelling at me doesn’t work because I just walk away. I am able to stand with my head held high and with authority tell him no.

Now for great news!! As you know I make jewelry as a hobby. I’m excited to announce three of my pieces are in the Inspiration section of Making Jewellery Magazine issue 127 released today! I am proud, I am thrilled, I’m tickled pink lol.

He can tell me all he wants my hobby is nothing. I have proof it’s more than he gives credit for.

Visit me on Instagram to follow or hit a like button or two or three lol.

Forgive Me

I am in the wrong. Please forgive me!! I posted a few weeks back about my sweet Gizmo and forgot to update you!!!!! I would like to thank a dear reader for reminding me of this.

The tests came back in our favor, two lipoma!!! Thank you Dr Pimplepopper for educating me on what that is lol. Basically a lipoma is like a little balloon with mushy skin cells in it. Nothing serious thank goodness. If in the future either one becomes bothersome or in the way then they can be removed but otherwise there is no need for surgery.

Thank you for your support, thank you for caring. And thank you for helping me feel not so alone.

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