Life is a See Saw

I never liked see saws as a child because I always seemed to be the one that came down with a bang. But it did teach me to jump before impact which has become a valuable lesson as an adult.

Today is an up day. I’m out of the line of fire and he who wishes to be obeyed is seeking my favor as an ally. There is no temper, no harsh words. He even said thank you.

I know it won’t last forever, but I also know he didn’t ask or choose to be narcissistic. Who would. Can you imagine the turmoil going on inside their head. Can you imagine not being genuinely happy about something. He had a tough life growing up. He was abused as a child which set the course for the rest of his life. The difference between his past and me is that I won’t take it, I fight back and I haven’t deserted him like the others. Yes he is put in time out like a child because that’s what’s needed. Narcissists are like spoiled two year olds. They throw hissy fits and temper tantrums. My years being an ECE preschool teacher prepared me for this lol.

Too Much Time On My Hands

When I was working full time, and shift work at that, it was the same. I needed to be up to have dinner made, I needed to get up at 4:30 sometimes 5:30 in the morning to make his coffee, if I was at work dinner was to be made and left for him. The house cleaned, laundry done, the animals taken care of, what did he do…..played video games. Outside work was his job and inside work is mine. Today as I look out the window at 3 foot tall weeds I can see it’s been over a month since the lawn was mowed. Weeds are coming through the flower beds I lay and planted. But I’m not allowed to mow because I don’t do it right… it’s grass!! No I don’t mow with a program in mind, diagonally to the left then the other way left to right right to left. Yes I’m rolling my eyes right now. It’s true he does something right but that’s only when he does it. I’m a strike while the irons hot person and he procrastinates. Anything that stops him from playing video games is always put on the back burner.

It came to a head when I lost my full time job. He told me to leave because I said I could no longer meet his demands of getting up to wake him up with coffee ready and have a full meal cooked for him while I was at work. I asked him who did this before we met, how did he not starve having no one to cook for him.

I have had a part time job now for two years in a medical clinic. My boss is wonderful. It’s a dream job but it’s part time. During my days off I clean entertain the pets and design jewelry. It occupies my mind during the bad days and gives something to focus on. I find my creativity soars when he is at his worst. Of course the more I succeed the more jealous he is. It’s a no win situation living with a narcissist. They have no pride in your accomplishments because it does nothing for them. Except when I sell, then he is more than happy to use the money. For me it’s not about selling or making money, it’s about the feeling I get from creating something beautiful. I love hearing how my pieces make people feel. The world is a beautiful place, everyday is a great day, just some are better than others.

InsideTheJewelryBox

The Tightrope

Life has become a tightrope, fear of losing my balance, falling, saying something wrong. I never seem to get it right. But that is life with a narcissist. They always find something to complain about. You spend your days correcting your mistakes only to make more. They don’t see the constant negativity and don’t understand how it hurts.

Some days it’s unbelievably hilarious their accusations, it’s literally something out of a movie. Once I was accused of taking his thumb while he slept and opening his phone, deleting photos and reading his email. I asked how on earth I did it without waking him and why I would even want to. Then it dawned on me and I asked what are you hiding that I would need to go to those lengths and exactly what were the photos of I apparently deleted. Of course I was met with “that’s ok you play your game” I just shook my head in disbelief and walked away.

Everything changes on a daily basis. What is liked one day when he’s in a good mood is hated the next.

I’ve learned to not react because it only makes things worse. He becomes louder and more verbally abusive. I’ve been kicked out only to be stopped once the car was loaded with my belongings. It’s always my fault however because I don’t do one thing or another or I keep secrets or I’m lying or cheating. The list of things I’ve apparently done is long. When no reaction is received to an outburst he just goes down the list until he hits a tender spot. Which is my pets. He has threatened to get rid of them while I’m at work. I had them before we met but once we were married he wanted me to give them away or put them down. They aren’t sick or causing problems they just don’t listen to him which is one of the things a narcissist can’t stand. To not be the moon and stars to the world. If it weren’t for my pets I believe I would be stark raving mad by now.

I Married a Narcissist

It’s 2:30 am and as usual I’m sitting here in the dark, awake, wondering how on earth I ended up in this mess. I have no friends, my family is two hours away, I work part time, and, I’m married to a narcissist.

This blog is an attempt to reach out and find others like myself, male and female, who feel solitary, lonely, confused, ostracized, cut off from the world, trapped but most importantly you have reached a point where you are starting to believe your abuser is right. I said starting, yet you have enough wits left to know they are not.

This is how those that wish to be obeyed operate. They pierce everything that is good about you, cause you to question your own actions and reduce you to an empty shell.

Support, you have none. Our captors want no one that may see their true nature near us. They want us to be that scared rabbit in a corner, alone, in order to berate, attack, confuse, and keep us in line. They feed off our honesty, empathy, and devotion. Using it against us.  They have no empathy, they are unable to imagine what we are going through, how we feel when they slice us to ribbons with mean, spiteful words.  And we are left beaten, confused that someone who professes love could say those words and then turn around only to act like nothing happened.

During an outburst remember, all that is coming out of their mouth is verbal diarrhea.  They have no control, limited recollection of the words spewing from that gaping hole in their face.  I know it’s hard not to defend yourself when attacked, and it’s hard to hold back from retaliation.

Look at them. Look very close. They are scared, they need validation.  They didn’t ask or choose to be this way.  They won’t seek help because they are lost souls that believe everything they do and say is right.  And to seek help means they are wrong or perhaps seeking help will uncover and bring to light the horrible person they are.  That is a reality they don’t wish to face.  Their world is covered with cheese cloth, reality doesn’t exist.

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