Quite often I find myself embarrassed for he who wishes to be obeyed. Particularly when it comes to my family. This year he began a new behaviour, if it had to do with my family he would either start a fight or have something else to do to avoid seeing them. My mom is 88 and the sweetest, kindest person you could ask to have as a mother in law. She doesn’t cause problems, say anything negative or talk bad about anyone. How on earth can he be so cruel to ignore her. She goes out of her way to be nice and this is the treatment she gets. My daughter flew in from overseas for a week and he didn’t even have the decency to greet her. I know what you’re going to say, he is doing this to hurt me, he knows his treatment towards them will bother me. And you’re right. I lost my dad when I was 27, my mom means the world to me. At 88 she could be here for another ten years or ten days. So to be treated with such disrespect is deplorable. I suppose I shouldn’t expect more as he ignores his own family and treats them no better. I used to make excuses for him, I no longer do that. I say exactly what he is doing. Yet still I feel bad because I don’t want them to think it’s because of something they did. I don’t believe he is able to keep up the act he presented which is why he avoids them. You’ve heard the phrase “oh what a tangled web we weave when first we practice to deceive ” well I believe he had tangled himself up and doesn’t know how to get out. When we lie we have to continue to lie in order to cover up each one. Eventually it catches up to you and you can’t remember what you’ve said or who you’ve said it to. Honesty is the best policy. If you are honest you will be respected. But lie, and people lose faith in you and no longer know what to believe.
Being in a narcissistic relationship isn’t easy. The narcissist will cast doubt, you will feel defeated, depression will set in, your self esteem and confidence will take a blow, but it doesn’t have to be this way. Allow yourself to feel these emotions and then immediately follow with self empowerment. Remember there are hundreds if not thousands of people who love, cherish and appreciate you just the way you are compared to the narcissist who is only one. Strangers that you smile at that have had their day improved because of your smile. The person you let in during traffic, the clerk you asked how their day was, the person you spent a few moments talking to in the grocery store, the neighbor you stopped to help who was struggling, family you spent time with, all of these people appreciate your efforts because your actions were done freely, not selfishly. You are not the narcissist, you are not responsible for their behaviour. Remember they are responsible for their behaviour and you are responsible for how you react to it. They want you to fail, want you to feel bad, want to control you. If you allow them the power they will take it, if you allow them to disrespect you they will. Start today, hold your head high, remember, you are loved, appreciated, and you are beautiful.
Triggers, where do I start. You know, it would be so much easier to say what doesn’t bother he who wishes to be obeyed. Even if everything is done right, said right, cooked right, cleaned right, he will still find something to complain about. Sometimes I make a game out of it and try to guess what he will pick at. It’s a coping strategy, it’s how I remember that this is his habit. If I’ve guessed right I just yell bingo and then he looks at me like I’m crazy. It changes his frame of thought and silences him for a bit while he tries to figure out what is going on.
Some days his fuse is extremely short and some days it builds with each irritation that bombards him. At work if he isn’t treated special I’ll get a call. If I don’t side with him, which I usually don’t, then I’m the target for going against him and siding with his boss. Or like tonight, because I didn’t respond the way he expected me to he started asking who was here, what I was doing, then “you sound busy” and hung up on me. I asked him a question in regards to the statements he was making. Never ask questions just take everything he says as truth lol.
He asked me to buy him an earpiece for his phone. I did, I knew at the time I should have refused, but hindsight is 20/20 isn’t it. He had it three days and started complaining. I asked what was wrong, no volume, I asked if he charged it, no. So I plugged it in to charge. Not even five minutes later I heard a noise. He had unplugged it and because it wasn’t working still he threw it across the room and it broke. His reply when I asked why was that it was garbage anyways and I didn’t fix it. Our first Christmas together he bought me nothing, the gifts I gave him sat. Then I was told they were no good and don’t work as well as what he would have bought. My birthday was forgotten, his reason because I didn’t remind him. Our anniversary came and went without any mention.
One thing I did manage to get through to him was no smoking in the vehicle or we go in our own separately. I quit, well it was his idea that we both quit. I was successful and he didn’t even try. So thumbs up for that request to be heard and followed. Yes he complains that I’m the worst that ex smokers are the worst. But, it wouldn’t seem normal if he didn’t have some complaint lol. I just smile and say isn’t it great that I don’t smell like an old ashtray.
So tonight, as I wait for him to arrive home, I am filled with the accusations that I bet I’ll get. I’m sure he will either accuse me of having someone here or that I wasn’t home I was out with my boyfriend. Well no matter what at least I might win and be able to yell bingo!
I’m on cloud nine right now. Even he who wishes to be obeyed cant bring me down. In one week and two days my daughter is coming home for a week. She is attending university overseas so I don’t really get to see her very much. She is my first born, the one who taught me how to love unconditionally, the one that brought the best out in me, who showed me how to look at the world with a child’s eyes. I have two children. A daughter and son. They are very different yet the same. They have passion, drive, determination, one is quiet and the other outgoing, they are both dedicated, loving and make their mama proud. I don’t tell them about my life because I know they would have something to say. You see, parents also don’t want to worry their children. When my first husband was sick I saw how much it hurt the children and the aftermath. Now the main concern is they don’t want to lose their mom ever. I quit smoking, live a healthier life. When I told my boy I was quitting, he cried. That’s how much it meant to him. It broke my heart to know he carried such a burden worrying about me.
So for the next week I am in plan mode! My daughter turned 28 in August so I think a belated birthday party will be fun and an early Christmas celebration.
I have to admit that if it weren’t for Facebook messaging, as well as Apple FaceTime, this distance apart would be unbearable. Thanks to technology when we talk it feels like she isn’t very far away. Can you just imagine what technology will be like in another 20 years!!
The tide has changed, perhaps the planets have aligned. I am not sure what has created the shift but for now there is peace in the house. I’m used to this pattern and know it won’t last so it’s best to enjoy it while it lasts.
That being said, tonight I would rather focus on me instead of him. I don’t want to continuously harp on his behaviour. We know what narcissistic personalities do. But there is another side. Mine. I’m not an angel… really! Lol sure I would love to have you all think that, wink wink. My patience has a line that once crossed its difficult to turn back. I can be stubborn, moody, melodramatic, and very sensitive. I take everything to heart. I’m easily hurt. I am an empath. So what ever the mood is around me, I sense it, feel it and exhibit it. There are times I’m not sure if I’m exhibiting my own emotions or what I’m picking up. Pairing an empath and narcissist is like mixing gas with a spark. There’s bound to be a huge explosion.
My problem is that I go quiet when upset. Words are raising through my head yet the road to my mouth is blocked. I find it difficult to express how I’m feeling. I’m more of an introvert, I avoid attention, and prefer being in the background.
I like to avoid confrontation any way possible. That’s why I retreat to my safe haven and design jewelry when the going gets tough. It’s a world where I can drift into my imagination, it’s quiet and calm.
We went out for dinner on Monday and had the most wonderful time. I saw the man I fell in love with. Conversation was light, humorous, engaging. It was like when we first met. Everything that was similar about us was there again. I looked at him and again my heart would beat a little faster. I guess it’s these moments that make it worth fighting for. Remembering that he didn’t want to be a negative poop lol. He has never physically hurt me and has never given the impression he would. I’m the one with the temper that will break a plate or throw things in the garbage. What I’m learning is that it’s not only his behaviour that needs to change but mine also. The way I react can either fuel or calm him. It does bother me all these YouTube videos that bash narcissistic people. They make it sound like the narcissist is the devil and the partner is an angel. In reality that is so far from the truth. The fact is that if you are the partner then you need to be able to look at yourself and honestly say what you may be doing wrong. No one is perfect. But if you can be honest with yourself that is a step in the right direction.
Communication…what does it mean to you? Communication comes in many forms. Electronic, verbal, written, body language, tone, it’s two way. How we perceive we are communicating may not necessarily be the way we are received. In fact some people are not able to communicate and don’t even know where to begin.
He who wishes to be obeyed is one of them. His method of communication is loud, at times arrogant and forceful. The words please and thank you are lost in his vocabulary. It is almost as though kindness, compliments and good deeds make him uncomfortable and he doesn’t know how to respond. When he wants something it comes across as a demand in a snide snarky way. He doesn’t see it that way nor does he understand that’s how it sounds. It is difficult to not take his tone personally and I suppose if it wasn’t for the fact I’m interested in the psychological aspect of his personality I would be long gone. I don’t profess to understand what he went through as a child because I was raised in a loving Christian home. But I do understand what he went through was traumatic and made him who he is today.
In the bible God tells us not to judge, to turn the other cheek and to forgive. I have been blessed, my entire life God has provided and paved my way. I am where I need to be this is my purpose. He who wishes to be obeyed always says I have more faith, a stronger faith than he does. When you believe you have peace.
Some days I don’t recognize her…the face in the mirror staring blankly back at me. There is no spark in her eyes, no fire in her spirit. She has given up, thrown in the towel, waved the white flag. Some mornings I wake up and feel intuitively that it isn’t going to be a good day. As much as I believe everyday is a good day, only some are better than others, it becomes a chore to be positive. Some days that burden, that rock hanging on my neck feels so heavy. Those are the days that the fighter in me steps up to bat. This fighter takes over because she refuses to be silenced, she won’t allow someone to disrespect her, she refuses to allow her creativity and imagination be stepped on. I like her. She has guts. She will defend and ask questions later. She has an ally, the fighter has faith in God. Even though times may get tough the fighter has faith that God will give her wings to fly, he will be a light in the darkness, arms cradling her in the cold.
I am a fighter, I am creative, I am smart, and with God I am me.
There are many that will be able to sympathize with me today. It is definitely a sad day. My coffee maker, a popular brand that will remain unnamed, has bit the dust. Because of the size of part I need, very small yet very important, I called customer service to purchase one. The coffee maker was only purchased two years ago so it’s not that old. The part I need is a silicone gasket that surround the piercing needle to ensure a seal is created. I was informed that the coffee maker is no longer being manufactured and they have no seals….seriously you may as well have cut off my leg! Then I was told they would sell me a new one at 20% off the price. When I refused the offer the customer representative went on to apologize and offer me two boxes of 44 count coffee…. ok now call me crazy, but, I called to purchase a part for my coffee maker that is not working, and I’m offered coffee for it? I like to think of myself as a rational and common sense kind of person, but where does that make sense!! I started laughing and said unless you’re going to give me a machine that works the coffee is useless to me. Green mountain you need to tell your reps that they don’t have to stick to the script in front of them that sometimes a little brain work is necessary. I sat for a few hours looking at the part after and because I have experience with injection moulding I discovered the part separated at the knit line. I’m not one to be discouraged easily, so I figured that maybe a little Krazy Glue might work. It was delicate surgery lol. I got it glued back together then let it sit to dry. I’ve been able to make 5 cups so far. At least it will give me time to explore and compare new ones. But every time I make a cup I’m always wondering with apprehension, will this cup be the last!?!?
Today I’d like to write about something a little off topic yet relates in a round about way also. It’s actually for James 😊. He will know why when he reads it. I have a follower, Cascadeblues, who I am feeling compassion for as I read my way through his blog. Being the mom of a 23 and 28 year old, I have been reminded of what my son went through when his dad passed away in 2012. (Yes I married again in 2016 to he who wishes to be obeyed) My son was 17 at the time, we had found out his dad had cancer in January and six months later passed away. It was the worst moment of his life. He was hit by insurmountable depression, was suicidal and self mutilated. Thank God our relationship was so close that he felt comfortable talking to me. I was able to find help for him immediately. Through talking to a psychologist he began writing. Through the writing he began to create songs. I loved sitting and listening to him play his guitar and singing. My boy introduced me to artists such as Front Porch Step, Imagine Dragons and Ed Sheeran. During this time our three pets always had to be close to whoever was in pain. I would come home from work and find the fur babies all sprawled around my boy listening to him lol. They all have very different personalities, the old man is a ginger cat that has the Pinocchio syndrome. He wants to be a real boy and tries very hard to be like us two legged creatures. He would sit at the table with the kids when they were doing homework, if I had friends over to play cards he had to be dealt a hand or he would steal yours. Baby boy is the youngest, the most spoiled and biggest pest to his brothers. He is carefree, very vocal and lanky to a point of being awkward. He is always bugging the other two, hiding and jumping out at them. Mamas boy is the middle brother, he is placid and sometimes has to take a back seat because baby boy is demanding all the attention. Mamas boy doesn’t mind having cats as brothers, in fact baby boy loves him. These three are my world. They have given unconditional love during bad days, they make me laugh when I have tears streaming down my face. I committed to caring for them forever, to never give up on them, to provide the best home possible. In return they bring joy, laughter and purpose. These photos are for you James. Meet my fur family.
Happy Friday everyone!