Cloud Nine

I’m on cloud nine right now. Even he who wishes to be obeyed cant bring me down. In one week and two days my daughter is coming home for a week. She is attending university overseas so I don’t really get to see her very much. She is my first born, the one who taught me how to love unconditionally, the one that brought the best out in me, who showed me how to look at the world with a child’s eyes. I have two children. A daughter and son. They are very different yet the same. They have passion, drive, determination, one is quiet and the other outgoing, they are both dedicated, loving and make their mama proud. I don’t tell them about my life because I know they would have something to say. You see, parents also don’t want to worry their children. When my first husband was sick I saw how much it hurt the children and the aftermath. Now the main concern is they don’t want to lose their mom ever. I quit smoking, live a healthier life. When I told my boy I was quitting, he cried. That’s how much it meant to him. It broke my heart to know he carried such a burden worrying about me.

So for the next week I am in plan mode! My daughter turned 28 in August so I think a belated birthday party will be fun and an early Christmas celebration.

I have to admit that if it weren’t for Facebook messaging, as well as Apple FaceTime, this distance apart would be unbearable. Thanks to technology when we talk it feels like she isn’t very far away. Can you just imagine what technology will be like in another 20 years!!

What Goes Up Must Come Down…sooner or later.

The tide has changed, perhaps the planets have aligned. I am not sure what has created the shift but for now there is peace in the house. I’m used to this pattern and know it won’t last so it’s best to enjoy it while it lasts.

That being said, tonight I would rather focus on me instead of him. I don’t want to continuously harp on his behaviour. We know what narcissistic personalities do. But there is another side. Mine. I’m not an angel… really! Lol sure I would love to have you all think that, wink wink. My patience has a line that once crossed its difficult to turn back. I can be stubborn, moody, melodramatic, and very sensitive. I take everything to heart. I’m easily hurt. I am an empath. So what ever the mood is around me, I sense it, feel it and exhibit it. There are times I’m not sure if I’m exhibiting my own emotions or what I’m picking up. Pairing an empath and narcissist is like mixing gas with a spark. There’s bound to be a huge explosion.

My problem is that I go quiet when upset. Words are raising through my head yet the road to my mouth is blocked. I find it difficult to express how I’m feeling. I’m more of an introvert, I avoid attention, and prefer being in the background.

I like to avoid confrontation any way possible. That’s why I retreat to my safe haven and design jewelry when the going gets tough. It’s a world where I can drift into my imagination, it’s quiet and calm.

We went out for dinner on Monday and had the most wonderful time. I saw the man I fell in love with. Conversation was light, humorous, engaging. It was like when we first met. Everything that was similar about us was there again. I looked at him and again my heart would beat a little faster. I guess it’s these moments that make it worth fighting for. Remembering that he didn’t want to be a negative poop lol. He has never physically hurt me and has never given the impression he would. I’m the one with the temper that will break a plate or throw things in the garbage. What I’m learning is that it’s not only his behaviour that needs to change but mine also. The way I react can either fuel or calm him. It does bother me all these YouTube videos that bash narcissistic people. They make it sound like the narcissist is the devil and the partner is an angel. In reality that is so far from the truth. The fact is that if you are the partner then you need to be able to look at yourself and honestly say what you may be doing wrong. No one is perfect. But if you can be honest with yourself that is a step in the right direction.

Funday Friday

Communication…what does it mean to you? Communication comes in many forms. Electronic, verbal, written, body language, tone, it’s two way. How we perceive we are communicating may not necessarily be the way we are received. In fact some people are not able to communicate and don’t even know where to begin.

He who wishes to be obeyed is one of them. His method of communication is loud, at times arrogant and forceful. The words please and thank you are lost in his vocabulary. It is almost as though kindness, compliments and good deeds make him uncomfortable and he doesn’t know how to respond. When he wants something it comes across as a demand in a snide snarky way. He doesn’t see it that way nor does he understand that’s how it sounds. It is difficult to not take his tone personally and I suppose if it wasn’t for the fact I’m interested in the psychological aspect of his personality I would be long gone. I don’t profess to understand what he went through as a child because I was raised in a loving Christian home. But I do understand what he went through was traumatic and made him who he is today.

In the bible God tells us not to judge, to turn the other cheek and to forgive. I have been blessed, my entire life God has provided and paved my way. I am where I need to be this is my purpose. He who wishes to be obeyed always says I have more faith, a stronger faith than he does. When you believe you have peace.

The Face In The Mirror

Some days I don’t recognize her…the face in the mirror staring blankly back at me. There is no spark in her eyes, no fire in her spirit. She has given up, thrown in the towel, waved the white flag. Some mornings I wake up and feel intuitively that it isn’t going to be a good day. As much as I believe everyday is a good day, only some are better than others, it becomes a chore to be positive. Some days that burden, that rock hanging on my neck feels so heavy. Those are the days that the fighter in me steps up to bat. This fighter takes over because she refuses to be silenced, she won’t allow someone to disrespect her, she refuses to allow her creativity and imagination be stepped on. I like her. She has guts. She will defend and ask questions later. She has an ally, the fighter has faith in God. Even though times may get tough the fighter has faith that God will give her wings to fly, he will be a light in the darkness, arms cradling her in the cold.

I am a fighter, I am creative, I am smart, and with God I am me.

Today Is A Sad Day….

There are many that will be able to sympathize with me today. It is definitely a sad day. My coffee maker, a popular brand that will remain unnamed, has bit the dust. Because of the size of part I need, very small yet very important, I called customer service to purchase one. The coffee maker was only purchased two years ago so it’s not that old. The part I need is a silicone gasket that surround the piercing needle to ensure a seal is created. I was informed that the coffee maker is no longer being manufactured and they have no seals….seriously you may as well have cut off my leg! Then I was told they would sell me a new one at 20% off the price. When I refused the offer the customer representative went on to apologize and offer me two boxes of 44 count coffee…. ok now call me crazy, but, I called to purchase a part for my coffee maker that is not working, and I’m offered coffee for it? I like to think of myself as a rational and common sense kind of person, but where does that make sense!! I started laughing and said unless you’re going to give me a machine that works the coffee is useless to me. Green mountain you need to tell your reps that they don’t have to stick to the script in front of them that sometimes a little brain work is necessary. I sat for a few hours looking at the part after and because I have experience with injection moulding I discovered the part separated at the knit line. I’m not one to be discouraged easily, so I figured that maybe a little Krazy Glue might work. It was delicate surgery lol. I got it glued back together then let it sit to dry. I’ve been able to make 5 cups so far. At least it will give me time to explore and compare new ones. But every time I make a cup I’m always wondering with apprehension, will this cup be the last!?!?

Fabulous Friday

Today I’d like to write about something a little off topic yet relates in a round about way also. It’s actually for James 😊. He will know why when he reads it. I have a follower, Cascadeblues, who I am feeling compassion for as I read my way through his blog. Being the mom of a 23 and 28 year old, I have been reminded of what my son went through when his dad passed away in 2012. (Yes I married again in 2016 to he who wishes to be obeyed) My son was 17 at the time, we had found out his dad had cancer in January and six months later passed away. It was the worst moment of his life. He was hit by insurmountable depression, was suicidal and self mutilated. Thank God our relationship was so close that he felt comfortable talking to me. I was able to find help for him immediately. Through talking to a psychologist he began writing. Through the writing he began to create songs. I loved sitting and listening to him play his guitar and singing. My boy introduced me to artists such as Front Porch Step, Imagine Dragons and Ed Sheeran. During this time our three pets always had to be close to whoever was in pain. I would come home from work and find the fur babies all sprawled around my boy listening to him lol. They all have very different personalities, the old man is a ginger cat that has the Pinocchio syndrome. He wants to be a real boy and tries very hard to be like us two legged creatures. He would sit at the table with the kids when they were doing homework, if I had friends over to play cards he had to be dealt a hand or he would steal yours. Baby boy is the youngest, the most spoiled and biggest pest to his brothers. He is carefree, very vocal and lanky to a point of being awkward. He is always bugging the other two, hiding and jumping out at them. Mamas boy is the middle brother, he is placid and sometimes has to take a back seat because baby boy is demanding all the attention. Mamas boy doesn’t mind having cats as brothers, in fact baby boy loves him. These three are my world. They have given unconditional love during bad days, they make me laugh when I have tears streaming down my face. I committed to caring for them forever, to never give up on them, to provide the best home possible. In return they bring joy, laughter and purpose. These photos are for you James. Meet my fur family.

Looking Good Enough For GQ
Long Lean Crazy Machine
Guess What I Found On Google

Happy Friday everyone!

Life is a See Saw

I never liked see saws as a child because I always seemed to be the one that came down with a bang. But it did teach me to jump before impact which has become a valuable lesson as an adult.

Today is an up day. I’m out of the line of fire and he who wishes to be obeyed is seeking my favor as an ally. There is no temper, no harsh words. He even said thank you.

I know it won’t last forever, but I also know he didn’t ask or choose to be narcissistic. Who would. Can you imagine the turmoil going on inside their head. Can you imagine not being genuinely happy about something. He had a tough life growing up. He was abused as a child which set the course for the rest of his life. The difference between his past and me is that I won’t take it, I fight back and I haven’t deserted him like the others. Yes he is put in time out like a child because that’s what’s needed. Narcissists are like spoiled two year olds. They throw hissy fits and temper tantrums. My years being an ECE preschool teacher prepared me for this lol.

Too Much Time On My Hands

When I was working full time, and shift work at that, it was the same. I needed to be up to have dinner made, I needed to get up at 4:30 sometimes 5:30 in the morning to make his coffee, if I was at work dinner was to be made and left for him. The house cleaned, laundry done, the animals taken care of, what did he do…..played video games. Outside work was his job and inside work is mine. Today as I look out the window at 3 foot tall weeds I can see it’s been over a month since the lawn was mowed. Weeds are coming through the flower beds I lay and planted. But I’m not allowed to mow because I don’t do it right… it’s grass!! No I don’t mow with a program in mind, diagonally to the left then the other way left to right right to left. Yes I’m rolling my eyes right now. It’s true he does something right but that’s only when he does it. I’m a strike while the irons hot person and he procrastinates. Anything that stops him from playing video games is always put on the back burner.

It came to a head when I lost my full time job. He told me to leave because I said I could no longer meet his demands of getting up to wake him up with coffee ready and have a full meal cooked for him while I was at work. I asked him who did this before we met, how did he not starve having no one to cook for him.

I have had a part time job now for two years in a medical clinic. My boss is wonderful. It’s a dream job but it’s part time. During my days off I clean entertain the pets and design jewelry. It occupies my mind during the bad days and gives something to focus on. I find my creativity soars when he is at his worst. Of course the more I succeed the more jealous he is. It’s a no win situation living with a narcissist. They have no pride in your accomplishments because it does nothing for them. Except when I sell, then he is more than happy to use the money. For me it’s not about selling or making money, it’s about the feeling I get from creating something beautiful. I love hearing how my pieces make people feel. The world is a beautiful place, everyday is a great day, just some are better than others.

InsideTheJewelryBox

The Tightrope

Life has become a tightrope, fear of losing my balance, falling, saying something wrong. I never seem to get it right. But that is life with a narcissist. They always find something to complain about. You spend your days correcting your mistakes only to make more. They don’t see the constant negativity and don’t understand how it hurts.

Some days it’s unbelievably hilarious their accusations, it’s literally something out of a movie. Once I was accused of taking his thumb while he slept and opening his phone, deleting photos and reading his email. I asked how on earth I did it without waking him and why I would even want to. Then it dawned on me and I asked what are you hiding that I would need to go to those lengths and exactly what were the photos of I apparently deleted. Of course I was met with “that’s ok you play your game” I just shook my head in disbelief and walked away.

Everything changes on a daily basis. What is liked one day when he’s in a good mood is hated the next.

I’ve learned to not react because it only makes things worse. He becomes louder and more verbally abusive. I’ve been kicked out only to be stopped once the car was loaded with my belongings. It’s always my fault however because I don’t do one thing or another or I keep secrets or I’m lying or cheating. The list of things I’ve apparently done is long. When no reaction is received to an outburst he just goes down the list until he hits a tender spot. Which is my pets. He has threatened to get rid of them while I’m at work. I had them before we met but once we were married he wanted me to give them away or put them down. They aren’t sick or causing problems they just don’t listen to him which is one of the things a narcissist can’t stand. To not be the moon and stars to the world. If it weren’t for my pets I believe I would be stark raving mad by now.

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