Forgive Me

I am in the wrong. Please forgive me!! I posted a few weeks back about my sweet Gizmo and forgot to update you!!!!! I would like to thank a dear reader for reminding me of this.

The tests came back in our favor, two lipoma!!! Thank you Dr Pimplepopper for educating me on what that is lol. Basically a lipoma is like a little balloon with mushy skin cells in it. Nothing serious thank goodness. If in the future either one becomes bothersome or in the way then they can be removed but otherwise there is no need for surgery.

Thank you for your support, thank you for caring. And thank you for helping me feel not so alone.

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The Eve of my Birthday

A year ago today I sat basically in the same frame of mind. This year is different with a glimmer of hope and I may just see the end of the tunnel. I haven’t heard anything yet about apartment availability but I have faith when the time is right it will happen. I don’t necessarily wish to move in the winter, snow and cold…no.

At this time the one question that baffles me is how does he do things to people and have no conscience about it. How does he feel nothing. How is he able to lie and believe every word he speaks is truth.

Today I’m random. You’ll find my writing all over the place. A bit scattered and that is pretty much how I feel today.

I received a wonderful surprise from a new coworker today. She bought me flowers and a wax diffuser with some wonderful smelling wax pods. Oh and can’t forget the chocolate. Lol. I love chocolate. My mommy sent me a card, bless her, she is 88 and her mind is young and quick but her body is starting to fail her. Tomorrow is my long day a work, which is ok, it will keep me occupied and my mind off my birthday. I’m not saying that gifts are necessary but it is sad when two years in a row your ignored. And back to that, how does he do it. I think I would go crazy trying to understand something that there is no answer for.

Anything but this…..

My pride and joy is my 7 year old Yorkie fur baby Gizmo. He was there when my first husband of twenty years was diagnosed with cancer. He was there when my daughter moved overseas. He was there when my son met the love of his life and moved out. And he has been with me in this relationship through the highs and lows. Gizmo goes everywhere with me. Today at his yearly vet checkup it was confirmed that one of the lumps he has is not a hernia. That was bittersweet because that meant he also had to have a biopsy today. I will be on pins and needles this next week awaiting the results. If it comes back as a lipoma that’s great because no surgery will be necessary unless it gets too large and affects his mobility. But there is the other side it could come back as cancerous and I don’t even want to think about that. I was so proud of him when they took the cell samples. He didn’t flinch or even blink. Everyone there came in to see him and give him hugs. He is a little love bug and lapped up all the attention. I broke down though….I can’t imagine a day without him.

You are probably wondering what reaction he who wishes to be obeyed had. He has been home smoking his pot and playing video games, talking to people on the games. No he is still unemployed and has not attempted to look for a job.

But that’s not my concern at this time. My concern is Gizmo and praying that the results come back in our favour.

Happy Heart Day To All

Happy heart day everyone. I have had the pleasure of watching young love and old love around me enjoying the day set aside for them to celebrate their love. I do not feel cheated that for myself the day has no meaning. I do however feel slightly embarrassed when I’m asked what did you get for valentines, or are you going somewhere special for dinner, and my answer is simply we choose not to celebrate this day and move on to talk about something else. But it does not stop me from wishing others a happy heart day. I do wish I had something to celebrate…I know it will be happy furentines. My fur babies will be my valentines lol. Their love is unconditional, no matter what they are happy to see me. They never complain about their food. Lol.

Happy Furentines everyone that has fur babies. May their noses be cold and kisses sloppy.

Tiny Steps

Picture yourself on a tightrope, all is well but now the wind is picking, you have no control nothing to grasp, you begin to fall…..he who wishes to be obeyed has lost control, is grasping at lose ends, has entered panic mode. Because I have limited income from my job, I have applied for income assisted housing. Even if I was able to financially obtain an apartment there are none available. My family is not in a position to help with accommodation, they live two hours away. And, I would not think of asking them for money. I don’t want them worried about what he may do. So….I will wait till I hear from the city before telling them. It’s a tiny step, but it is a step none the less. I still am struggling with the things he says to me that tend to create self doubt. I know it comes from his awareness of losing control. I know that is what a narcissist fears most. But it is still degrading and fear invoking.

It’s been a roller coaster morning of him yelling in my face that I’m the reason for our problems, that I’m the one that makes people crazy. Then the ordering, that I will do everything a wife is expected to do and if I don’t then I had better get out. I reminded him that I was waiting to hear back from housing and was told to remember he has no job so I can’t go for any spousal. I just want to take what little possessions I have left now and leave. So dear readers, wish me the best and remember to look for updates.

Winter and Cabin Fever

I wouldn’t say I’m a winter person, but, I don’t hate it. It’s the days that reach windchill factors of -30 that I would rather avoid. Even my pooch has a tough time, he will make it to the bottom of the garden but then needs to be carried back. It doesn’t take long for his little paws to freeze up. He who wishes to be obeyed has ventured out, yes he has actually stepped out of the house four times now since he lost his job last October. Twice to clear snow because the neighbor has been coming over and ploughing the driveway for me and twice to go and buy cigarettes. Other than that he is perched on the couch in underwear playing video games or watching movies barking demands, spewing insults or accusations. His latest is bombing me with boyfriend accusations. If I worked overtime, I’m out with my boyfriend, if I go to the grocery store, I have a date with my boyfriend, if I go into work early, I’m seeing my boyfriend. Just last Tuesday I was talking to my cousin who lives to the west, it was 9 here but would only be around 7 his time. He who wishes to be obeyed barked, “who are you texting this time of night”, I answered my cousin, which was met with “what’s his name”, and “sure you are”. I just shook my head. My family is disgusted to say the least at his behaviour. He tried to portray himself as the perfect person which was seen through. The only thing I haven’t told my family about is the marijuana use he has started. Day and night it smells like a skunk has gone through the house. I keep the bedroom door closed I stay in to keep the smell out. He lies to people and says he only uses it to sleep. If that was the case it’s not working very well because he is constantly high until he runs out. Then it’s mr grumpy bump on a log until more arrives in the mail. I no longer am afraid to go out of the house. If I want to go somewhere I go. I don’t tell him or look for approval I just go. Oh yes you can be sure it bothers him not having control. I’m counting the days till the park opens and I can spend time at the trailer. Bonfires, sunny days, starry nights. But until then it’s hot chocolate, blankets, and snowy days.

To Myself…..

In two months I will be 55, do I have regrets? Do I have failures? Do I have achievements? Of course….I think we all do. I look in a mirror and the reflection staring back does not match how I feel within. I touch the wrinkles on my face and though they belong to someone old I do not feel old within. Does our soul, our essence of being age? I have an immaturity that still escapes now and then to enjoy a giggle, a prank, an unbridled belly laugh. If I was able to talk to myself thirty years ago would I listen?

Dear Green Eyes,

I am your future, do not be so quick to grow up. Enjoy each moment, savour it like it is the last, store the memory like a treasure. I am proud of you, your determination to be real, to be honest, to have dignity, to have morals will always be worth the fight. You will walk some roads alone and others will find you with company for a short while. Be adventurous, try everything! Do not listen to negativity because you can do anything you want. Do not listen to negativity because you can be anything you want. Do not listen to negativity because you are a miracle of God. Your life will have pitfalls but these are only lessons helping to build a strength in you. These are lessons testing your faith, testing your ability to remain true to yourself. You will have children. See the world through their eyes if you feel you have lost your inner child. Laugh!! Laugh everyday, be happy, run, skip, jump, dance and sing at the top of your lungs. Many will try to blanket your exuberance just smile at them, let them see the sparkle in your eye that reflects your soul. Share with them the joy of life, teach them to be happy. And love. First and foremost love yourself. You are a unique, wondrous creation of God. Before you can truly love another you must love yourself. You will have heartache, you will have passion, you will be loved and feel loved. You will also feel the opposite, hatred, sadness, anger but do not let these emotions stay long. Feel them then send them on their way. Be compassionate, understanding and patient.

Look in the mirror often. As you grow lines will appear. They tell the story of your life. How much you smiled, laughed, experienced, how much you loved, worried, and even cried. These lines and changes are beautiful because they are you, they are your natural authentic self.

You know there is nothing I would try to change during my life. Each trial and tribulation has brought me to where I am today, has made me strong, none of it broke me, it made me. I am proud of who I am. Proud of my accomplishments, my tenacity, my ability to rise each time I’m knocked down.

I love me.

Seriously….

Well we made it three days into the new year before the monster from the deep emerged. I do have to laugh at the pathetic attempt he made to try and upset me.

My fur baby and I were up early, went outside and cleared the deck and driveway of snow. The plough had been by and left quite a bit at the end of the driveway. I cleaned off my car, made some pathways in the yard for the pup to run in and then started on housework. All while he who wished to be obeyed sat on the couch playing video games and barking out requests. I want treats, make me breakfast, go get the mail, the driveway didn’t need it you could just drive on it to go to work. Seriously….I simply looked at him and said if you want breakfast make it yourself. I have a feeling he has ordered more pot which would be why he wants me to go for the mail. Because I said no I was called a bitch, told I was selfish, a selfish bitch. He began putting down the jewelry I make, saying it’s junk, garbage. Well I will let you be the judge…I’ve included a photo of the piece I made this morning.

Pathetic. He just doesn’t see or hear what he is doing. And I am quite sure he doesn’t care either.

Reflection

So the following post I wrote the other day but never published it. New Year’s Day is now at an end. I have to admit that he who wishes to be obeyed did say happy New Years, albeit a day early…and I haven’t noticed the smell of Cannabis in the house, though he could be out, it has been a very calm entry into 2019. I do appreciate that however I’m not holding my breath because just like a winter storm I have no idea when he will erupt or how long it will last.

Today has been a day of reflection for me. Which means it’s been an emotionally charged day. I’m not really sure what it is that ignites and fuels my minds desire to relive these memories. The emotions of regret, fear, sadness, embarrassment feel just as real now as they did in the past. Sometimes I wonder where would I be now if just one moment of my life were to change. In all honesty I can’t say I would do anything different in retrospect. Life is a lesson, you’ll keep making mistakes until you learn the lesson and move on. We make mistakes once, maybe twice, after that they are a habit.

I don’t make new year resolutions. Every day is a chance to improve. Why wait for the end of the year. I do hope for happiness, patience, and understanding which all starts with my own outlook. So I choose to be happy,

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