I like Monday’s, maybe it’s the routine of the weekdays that I like. Rather than the crazy, unknown, impromptu events of a weekend. But, weekends are great for naps lol. When I was in my twenties I don’t know how I survived on lack of sleep and lack of food. Life revolved around friends, fun and work, work was what funded the fun part. I can’t imagine going to work now with only two hours of sleep. In my thirties the lack of sleep and lack of food continued. Life now revolved around family, home and work. Work paid for the children and making a nest. When my children were born I stopped going out because I wanted to spend time with them and my first husband. My first husband and I enjoyed riding motorbikes. So fun changed into daytime trips and less dancing. Well dancing still happened if you count Barney and Sharon, Lois & Bram. I enjoyed doing activities with my kids. In my forties the kids were older and didn’t want to hang out with mom as much. That’s when hobbies came into the picture. I’m a creator, I love woodworking, sewing, crafting. Pretty much anything I can make with my hands. I took drum lessons and bought a bass guitar and started napping lol. In 2012 my first husband passed away six months after being diagnosed with cancer. My daughter by this time was now living over seas. It was just my son and I at home. We became very close. He became very protective of me. Life became a bit erratic, no sleeping napping only and eating to survive not because I was hungry. It was a bit unnerving, I was so used to being at home, I was nervous about going anywhere. My routine was changed!! I think adults are adaptable but very much like children when there is no routine. It’s an assault to the nervous system. The brain has to catch up. I’ve noticed that my dog is used to routine also. On the days I work he will lay down on the love seat when I’m leaving. But any other time he stands barking expecting to join if I leave the house. I still have naps on weekends, I still have trouble sleeping through the night, but I have my routine.
Christmas isn’t all lights and wishes when you live with a narcissist, but if you have Christmas spirit in your heart it can be a fairytale. You are the key in all this, you are the snowflake that falls in the darkness, catching shards of light and turning it into sparkling diamonds giving glimpses of Christmas magic. Choose not to allow your happiness to be smothered. Let the magic in you shine. Think of your outer self as stained glass. When your light shines within it illuminates your outer beauty.
A hobby of mine is creating jewelry. I can lose hours when creating. It helps me get through the tough days. Helps me remember the creative happy person I am. He who wishes to be obeyed sees nothing valuable in my hobby. But that’s ok because I don’t share his passion for video games. We are both passionate about our hobbies we just have different interests.
Today I would love to share my passion and invite you to visit my page on Facebook, InsideTheJewelryBox .
It’s taken me since last Wednesday to be able to sit down and put my thoughts together rationally. But that’s when I felt like I had a rug pulled from under me.
Wednesday morning began the same as every other weekday morning. At 5:30 am I get up to make sure he who wishes to be obeyed is up. By 6:00 he is up dressed and has had a coffee. 6:30 he leaves. I begin the day cleaning, doing laundry the usual. At 8am I heard his truck pull in the driveway. I went to the door saw him smiling. It was not a normal smile. It had something sinister about it. As he walked up to the patio door he said well looks like I get the winter off. I was shocked as the words flew around my head. Finally I asked what happened. He said before he logged in the supervisor called him into the office and said he was terminated effective immediately, he was not a good fit for the company. Immediately he began his speech of how he never did anything. He never swore, never took a day off. I reminded him of the video he sent to the dispatcher and in it he was swearing and saying if they sent him to this place again he would quit. He had told the same dispatcher two other times he was going to quit. I explained that the company most likely felt that rather than have him always threatening to quit they would let him go. This was the last day of his probation at work. 90 days he needed to control his language and temper, yet he couldn’t. Will he qualify for ei I don’t know. I had to push him into applying for that. As I write this he is in the same place he has been since Wednesday, sitting on the couch playing video games. I have been on his case about closing the trailer which the deadline is tomorrow to get into the park. Garbage is piled up outside waiting to go to the dump. Why don’t I take it you ask…because I’m not allowed to take his truck. And if I went alone I’m accused of going to meet someone. I’m at a point when he accuses me I just agree and ask him if he’s jealous. Not only is he narcissistic but also lazy, a procrastinator and seriously lacking motivation. Sorry I’m venting…he believes I should feel sorry for him. I don’t. He orchestrated this it was his actions that caused this company to terminate him, he can blame no one, but yet he does. This is the narcissist in him, he feels that he was picked in, the other drivers didn’t like him, he was set up. It is sad to think how it must feel believing these things on a daily basis, having only feelings of negativity, nothing positive in your thoughts. I can’t even imagine life like that yet I live with it daily. What’s next, I have no clue, we will see. Tomorrow is a new day and all will be fine.
I feel like one of the three little pigs with the wolf blowing at my door. He who wishes to be obeyed is targeting work this week. He hates his new job, it’s been 2 1/2 months and already he is threatening them he will quit because he doesn’t like the jobs he’s being given. Now correct me if I’m wrong, but when you hate your job and quit on the spot to go to another job, wouldn’t it look a tad suspect to the next employer that you may not be reliable. I mean, saying you didn’t like your job, as a reason for quitting doesn’t rank too high does it? I love my job, I loved every job I’ve ever had. Sure there was problems they weren’t all perfect but in each one there was something I loved about it. I think that is the narcissists problem that they are unable to be optimistic, positivity doesn’t exist, well they can fake it but honestly they don’t have a positive bone in their body. We are all faced with issues, how we react will determine the outcome. You will either learn and move on or complain and stay stuck in your rut.
For the past week my mom and daughter were staying at my trailer. It was wonderful to have them both nearby. We went shopping, sat by a bob fire, laughed, talked and enjoyed each others company. He who wishes to be obeyed was on his best behaviour lol. He hasn’t shown his true colours to my family because he usually chooses to avoid them. It cuts down on the time he has to pretend to be the perfect spouse. Although I have noticed that when talking to them he typically gets the conversation in the poor me direction that he is treated so poorly at work, as well as how perfect he is and how they would be lost without him. My dad used to say in any job you’re only as good as your last paycheque.
On Thursday I drove them back to my moms. Last night my daughter flew back home and today we are back to normal.
He who wishes to be obeyed and I had plans to go for breakfast, then run some errands to pick up supplies to close the trailer next weekend. As usual breakfast never happened. He went to sleep last night at 6 pm got up at 4am to play video games and when I got up he decided to go back to sleep. I asked about our plans and his reply was he was tired. So nothing was done. Yes he expects me to do it on my own. He will also accuse me of meeting up with someone should I go out alone. He calls me while working and I sit on the phone for hours listening to him work. He believes I go out wandering around on my days off while he works. I must have a housework fairy, grocery fairy and laundry fairy.
So that which was remains the same however I have wonderful memories when I close my eyes of my mom and daughter.
Being in a narcissistic relationship isn’t easy. The narcissist will cast doubt, you will feel defeated, depression will set in, your self esteem and confidence will take a blow, but it doesn’t have to be this way. Allow yourself to feel these emotions and then immediately follow with self empowerment. Remember there are hundreds if not thousands of people who love, cherish and appreciate you just the way you are compared to the narcissist who is only one. Strangers that you smile at that have had their day improved because of your smile. The person you let in during traffic, the clerk you asked how their day was, the person you spent a few moments talking to in the grocery store, the neighbor you stopped to help who was struggling, family you spent time with, all of these people appreciate your efforts because your actions were done freely, not selfishly. You are not the narcissist, you are not responsible for their behaviour. Remember they are responsible for their behaviour and you are responsible for how you react to it. They want you to fail, want you to feel bad, want to control you. If you allow them the power they will take it, if you allow them to disrespect you they will. Start today, hold your head high, remember, you are loved, appreciated, and you are beautiful.
Triggers, where do I start. You know, it would be so much easier to say what doesn’t bother he who wishes to be obeyed. Even if everything is done right, said right, cooked right, cleaned right, he will still find something to complain about. Sometimes I make a game out of it and try to guess what he will pick at. It’s a coping strategy, it’s how I remember that this is his habit. If I’ve guessed right I just yell bingo and then he looks at me like I’m crazy. It changes his frame of thought and silences him for a bit while he tries to figure out what is going on.
Some days his fuse is extremely short and some days it builds with each irritation that bombards him. At work if he isn’t treated special I’ll get a call. If I don’t side with him, which I usually don’t, then I’m the target for going against him and siding with his boss. Or like tonight, because I didn’t respond the way he expected me to he started asking who was here, what I was doing, then “you sound busy” and hung up on me. I asked him a question in regards to the statements he was making. Never ask questions just take everything he says as truth lol.
He asked me to buy him an earpiece for his phone. I did, I knew at the time I should have refused, but hindsight is 20/20 isn’t it. He had it three days and started complaining. I asked what was wrong, no volume, I asked if he charged it, no. So I plugged it in to charge. Not even five minutes later I heard a noise. He had unplugged it and because it wasn’t working still he threw it across the room and it broke. His reply when I asked why was that it was garbage anyways and I didn’t fix it. Our first Christmas together he bought me nothing, the gifts I gave him sat. Then I was told they were no good and don’t work as well as what he would have bought. My birthday was forgotten, his reason because I didn’t remind him. Our anniversary came and went without any mention.
One thing I did manage to get through to him was no smoking in the vehicle or we go in our own separately. I quit, well it was his idea that we both quit. I was successful and he didn’t even try. So thumbs up for that request to be heard and followed. Yes he complains that I’m the worst that ex smokers are the worst. But, it wouldn’t seem normal if he didn’t have some complaint lol. I just smile and say isn’t it great that I don’t smell like an old ashtray.
So tonight, as I wait for him to arrive home, I am filled with the accusations that I bet I’ll get. I’m sure he will either accuse me of having someone here or that I wasn’t home I was out with my boyfriend. Well no matter what at least I might win and be able to yell bingo!
Communication…what does it mean to you? Communication comes in many forms. Electronic, verbal, written, body language, tone, it’s two way. How we perceive we are communicating may not necessarily be the way we are received. In fact some people are not able to communicate and don’t even know where to begin.
He who wishes to be obeyed is one of them. His method of communication is loud, at times arrogant and forceful. The words please and thank you are lost in his vocabulary. It is almost as though kindness, compliments and good deeds make him uncomfortable and he doesn’t know how to respond. When he wants something it comes across as a demand in a snide snarky way. He doesn’t see it that way nor does he understand that’s how it sounds. It is difficult to not take his tone personally and I suppose if it wasn’t for the fact I’m interested in the psychological aspect of his personality I would be long gone. I don’t profess to understand what he went through as a child because I was raised in a loving Christian home. But I do understand what he went through was traumatic and made him who he is today.
In the bible God tells us not to judge, to turn the other cheek and to forgive. I have been blessed, my entire life God has provided and paved my way. I am where I need to be this is my purpose. He who wishes to be obeyed always says I have more faith, a stronger faith than he does. When you believe you have peace.
Some days I don’t recognize her…the face in the mirror staring blankly back at me. There is no spark in her eyes, no fire in her spirit. She has given up, thrown in the towel, waved the white flag. Some mornings I wake up and feel intuitively that it isn’t going to be a good day. As much as I believe everyday is a good day, only some are better than others, it becomes a chore to be positive. Some days that burden, that rock hanging on my neck feels so heavy. Those are the days that the fighter in me steps up to bat. This fighter takes over because she refuses to be silenced, she won’t allow someone to disrespect her, she refuses to allow her creativity and imagination be stepped on. I like her. She has guts. She will defend and ask questions later. She has an ally, the fighter has faith in God. Even though times may get tough the fighter has faith that God will give her wings to fly, he will be a light in the darkness, arms cradling her in the cold.
I am a fighter, I am creative, I am smart, and with God I am me.