Your fear, camouflaged by razor words,
Slicing my flesh.
The sting of your vile temper,
Piercing my solitude.
Struggling to keep my head above water,
Gasping for air.
A year ago today I sat basically in the same frame of mind. This year is different with a glimmer of hope and I may just see the end of the tunnel. I haven’t heard anything yet about apartment availability but I have faith when the time is right it will happen. I don’t necessarily wish to move in the winter, snow and cold…no.
At this time the one question that baffles me is how does he do things to people and have no conscience about it. How does he feel nothing. How is he able to lie and believe every word he speaks is truth.
Today I’m random. You’ll find my writing all over the place. A bit scattered and that is pretty much how I feel today.
I received a wonderful surprise from a new coworker today. She bought me flowers and a wax diffuser with some wonderful smelling wax pods. Oh and can’t forget the chocolate. Lol. I love chocolate. My mommy sent me a card, bless her, she is 88 and her mind is young and quick but her body is starting to fail her. Tomorrow is my long day a work, which is ok, it will keep me occupied and my mind off my birthday. I’m not saying that gifts are necessary but it is sad when two years in a row your ignored. And back to that, how does he do it. I think I would go crazy trying to understand something that there is no answer for.
My pride and joy is my 7 year old Yorkie fur baby Gizmo. He was there when my first husband of twenty years was diagnosed with cancer. He was there when my daughter moved overseas. He was there when my son met the love of his life and moved out. And he has been with me in this relationship through the highs and lows. Gizmo goes everywhere with me. Today at his yearly vet checkup it was confirmed that one of the lumps he has is not a hernia. That was bittersweet because that meant he also had to have a biopsy today. I will be on pins and needles this next week awaiting the results. If it comes back as a lipoma that’s great because no surgery will be necessary unless it gets too large and affects his mobility. But there is the other side it could come back as cancerous and I don’t even want to think about that. I was so proud of him when they took the cell samples. He didn’t flinch or even blink. Everyone there came in to see him and give him hugs. He is a little love bug and lapped up all the attention. I broke down though….I can’t imagine a day without him.
You are probably wondering what reaction he who wishes to be obeyed had. He has been home smoking his pot and playing video games, talking to people on the games. No he is still unemployed and has not attempted to look for a job.
But that’s not my concern at this time. My concern is Gizmo and praying that the results come back in our favour.
In two months I will be 55, do I have regrets? Do I have failures? Do I have achievements? Of course….I think we all do. I look in a mirror and the reflection staring back does not match how I feel within. I touch the wrinkles on my face and though they belong to someone old I do not feel old within. Does our soul, our essence of being age? I have an immaturity that still escapes now and then to enjoy a giggle, a prank, an unbridled belly laugh. If I was able to talk to myself thirty years ago would I listen?
Dear Green Eyes,
I am your future, do not be so quick to grow up. Enjoy each moment, savour it like it is the last, store the memory like a treasure. I am proud of you, your determination to be real, to be honest, to have dignity, to have morals will always be worth the fight. You will walk some roads alone and others will find you with company for a short while. Be adventurous, try everything! Do not listen to negativity because you can do anything you want. Do not listen to negativity because you can be anything you want. Do not listen to negativity because you are a miracle of God. Your life will have pitfalls but these are only lessons helping to build a strength in you. These are lessons testing your faith, testing your ability to remain true to yourself. You will have children. See the world through their eyes if you feel you have lost your inner child. Laugh!! Laugh everyday, be happy, run, skip, jump, dance and sing at the top of your lungs. Many will try to blanket your exuberance just smile at them, let them see the sparkle in your eye that reflects your soul. Share with them the joy of life, teach them to be happy. And love. First and foremost love yourself. You are a unique, wondrous creation of God. Before you can truly love another you must love yourself. You will have heartache, you will have passion, you will be loved and feel loved. You will also feel the opposite, hatred, sadness, anger but do not let these emotions stay long. Feel them then send them on their way. Be compassionate, understanding and patient.
Look in the mirror often. As you grow lines will appear. They tell the story of your life. How much you smiled, laughed, experienced, how much you loved, worried, and even cried. These lines and changes are beautiful because they are you, they are your natural authentic self.
You know there is nothing I would try to change during my life. Each trial and tribulation has brought me to where I am today, has made me strong, none of it broke me, it made me. I am proud of who I am. Proud of my accomplishments, my tenacity, my ability to rise each time I’m knocked down.
I love me.
Apart from the inevitable, a celebration of the birth of Christ…I believe Christmas is the gathering of family, good food, sharing memories, laughter, and love. On Christmas morning my fur baby and I loaded the car with food and gifts then set off on our two hour road trip. We were first to arrive at my moms, followed by my brother and then my son and his girlfriend. Missing was my older brother and daughter. Thanks to Apple and FaceTime we were able to talk to them despite the distance. My son brought his in-laws pup to play with Gizzy. It was like watching toddlers, they had so much fun chasing each other and playing while we looked on in utter amusement. We ate, and ate some more, laughed over memories and caught up on each other’s lives. My son was telling us about a great game he played at the in-laws. You have headphones on and your partner says a phrase which you have to repeat. Some of the results were hilarious. My family enjoys games, age doesn’t matter, we all still love playing games. The night wore on and slowly there was only myself and the fur boy left. We spent the night and had a great time just sitting, relaxing and watching tv and chatting with my mom. This morning we loaded up the car and headed home. I spent the day reflecting on how wonderful Christmas was. Next year I can look forward to my daughter being home and you know, maybe we will all plan a trip to my older brothers for Christmas.
I like Monday’s, maybe it’s the routine of the weekdays that I like. Rather than the crazy, unknown, impromptu events of a weekend. But, weekends are great for naps lol. When I was in my twenties I don’t know how I survived on lack of sleep and lack of food. Life revolved around friends, fun and work, work was what funded the fun part. I can’t imagine going to work now with only two hours of sleep. In my thirties the lack of sleep and lack of food continued. Life now revolved around family, home and work. Work paid for the children and making a nest. When my children were born I stopped going out because I wanted to spend time with them and my first husband. My first husband and I enjoyed riding motorbikes. So fun changed into daytime trips and less dancing. Well dancing still happened if you count Barney and Sharon, Lois & Bram. I enjoyed doing activities with my kids. In my forties the kids were older and didn’t want to hang out with mom as much. That’s when hobbies came into the picture. I’m a creator, I love woodworking, sewing, crafting. Pretty much anything I can make with my hands. I took drum lessons and bought a bass guitar and started napping lol. In 2012 my first husband passed away six months after being diagnosed with cancer. My daughter by this time was now living over seas. It was just my son and I at home. We became very close. He became very protective of me. Life became a bit erratic, no sleeping napping only and eating to survive not because I was hungry. It was a bit unnerving, I was so used to being at home, I was nervous about going anywhere. My routine was changed!! I think adults are adaptable but very much like children when there is no routine. It’s an assault to the nervous system. The brain has to catch up. I’ve noticed that my dog is used to routine also. On the days I work he will lay down on the love seat when I’m leaving. But any other time he stands barking expecting to join if I leave the house. I still have naps on weekends, I still have trouble sleeping through the night, but I have my routine.
Christmas isn’t all lights and wishes when you live with a narcissist, but if you have Christmas spirit in your heart it can be a fairytale. You are the key in all this, you are the snowflake that falls in the darkness, catching shards of light and turning it into sparkling diamonds giving glimpses of Christmas magic. Choose not to allow your happiness to be smothered. Let the magic in you shine. Think of your outer self as stained glass. When your light shines within it illuminates your outer beauty.
A hobby of mine is creating jewelry. I can lose hours when creating. It helps me get through the tough days. Helps me remember the creative happy person I am. He who wishes to be obeyed sees nothing valuable in my hobby. But that’s ok because I don’t share his passion for video games. We are both passionate about our hobbies we just have different interests.
Today I would love to share my passion and invite you to visit my page on Facebook, InsideTheJewelryBox .
It’s taken me since last Wednesday to be able to sit down and put my thoughts together rationally. But that’s when I felt like I had a rug pulled from under me.
Wednesday morning began the same as every other weekday morning. At 5:30 am I get up to make sure he who wishes to be obeyed is up. By 6:00 he is up dressed and has had a coffee. 6:30 he leaves. I begin the day cleaning, doing laundry the usual. At 8am I heard his truck pull in the driveway. I went to the door saw him smiling. It was not a normal smile. It had something sinister about it. As he walked up to the patio door he said well looks like I get the winter off. I was shocked as the words flew around my head. Finally I asked what happened. He said before he logged in the supervisor called him into the office and said he was terminated effective immediately, he was not a good fit for the company. Immediately he began his speech of how he never did anything. He never swore, never took a day off. I reminded him of the video he sent to the dispatcher and in it he was swearing and saying if they sent him to this place again he would quit. He had told the same dispatcher two other times he was going to quit. I explained that the company most likely felt that rather than have him always threatening to quit they would let him go. This was the last day of his probation at work. 90 days he needed to control his language and temper, yet he couldn’t. Will he qualify for ei I don’t know. I had to push him into applying for that. As I write this he is in the same place he has been since Wednesday, sitting on the couch playing video games. I have been on his case about closing the trailer which the deadline is tomorrow to get into the park. Garbage is piled up outside waiting to go to the dump. Why don’t I take it you ask…because I’m not allowed to take his truck. And if I went alone I’m accused of going to meet someone. I’m at a point when he accuses me I just agree and ask him if he’s jealous. Not only is he narcissistic but also lazy, a procrastinator and seriously lacking motivation. Sorry I’m venting…he believes I should feel sorry for him. I don’t. He orchestrated this it was his actions that caused this company to terminate him, he can blame no one, but yet he does. This is the narcissist in him, he feels that he was picked in, the other drivers didn’t like him, he was set up. It is sad to think how it must feel believing these things on a daily basis, having only feelings of negativity, nothing positive in your thoughts. I can’t even imagine life like that yet I live with it daily. What’s next, I have no clue, we will see. Tomorrow is a new day and all will be fine.