A Fairy Tale …. of sorts

Once upon a time in a village far far away, there lived a maiden. She was not of royal decent, nor was she regal in anyway. She was simple, enjoyed a simple life, and simple pleasures. The maiden lived alone except for the company of her treasured pets. They were loyal, their love was unconditional. The maiden was happy, content in her existence.

One cold, blustery winter day the maiden met a knight on a quest. The knight was confident, somewhat arrogant but charming in a way the maiden had never experienced before. His voice echoed a sound familiar in her mind. His laughter was hypnotic, drawing her closer to the mystery of who this knight was.

Winter days soon passed, snow melted dampening the earth, new growth began and closer still the maiden became.

The knight, clad in dark armour, shielded from light would never remove his helmet to reveal himself. Would never reveal the nightmare that resided within. Always hiding the web weaved to trap the unsuspecting maiden.

It was a beautiful warm day yet in the distance dark clouds formed. The maiden thought how ominous this looked but the thought quickly left her when faced with the overwhelming charm of the knight. The maiden was oblivious to the frantic weaving of spiders that surrounded her. Tick tick tick as they spun and gathered silvery threads tick tick tick capturing the unsuspecting maiden tick tick tick forcing the maiden into a dark cold sleep tick tick tick.

Opening her eyes, the maiden thought how strange she didn’t recall falling asleep, perhaps she was still dreaming. Her surroundings whirled around her, sounds crashed like waves over her. A shadowy figure approached but never close enough, always staying within the mist that enveloped her. The knight preyed on the light within the maiden. Seeking to extinguish it like the flame of a candle with his darkness. Voices, shrill and piercing filled his head, commanding, ordering the knight to conquer the goodness, the bright light that filled the maiden.

Stay tuned!! More to come!!

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Learning To Say No

It’s only two letters, but it’s the hardest to say. If you lack self esteem saying no to a narcissistic person is impossible. Or is it? Life with a narcissist goes one of two ways, with the current or against it. When you search deep within for your true self it’s amazing the power you can find to stand up to a narcissist. Don’t worry about what they will think of you, don’t worry about what they say to you. Their reaction is the result of the fact they are losing power to control you and they know it. He who wishes to be obeyed becomes nasty when this happens. He is unemployed, sits on the couch playing video games and expects to have coffee made for him, meals served, and if that doesn’t happen the storm begins. Today I went for a chiropractic appointment prior to my dental appointment. When I came home between I parked closer to our deck, when he rolled off the couch I was bombarded with questions “where were you” where I go every Friday morning the chiropractor, “where’s your car”, in the driveway, “why did you park there”, what does it matter where I park have you got nothing better to do than complain about where I park. I was given the mumble treatment after that which I just ignored. When leaving for the dentist his reply to me was “yeah you do what you gotta do and I’ll do what I gotta do”, seriously that’s the best you have lol. This was the second week I had major dental work. My mouth is full of stitches it is painful but bearable. Do I have any help, of course not, sympathy definitely not, all he wants to know is what I’ll cook because he hasn’t eaten all day. You probably are asking why am I still here..the answer is the same as most would say. I can’t afford to leave. My job wouldn’t pay rent, I have pets I love and most places refuse pets. It is easier to stay than go through the hassle of leaving, I’ve left before when I had a place to go to. If I knew then what I know now … famous last words. I can’t even say I love him anymore. He isn’t the person I met and fell in love with. We live separately his choice in the house. It’s been over a year that he started sleeping in the couch, saying it was because of his shoulder, then because he went to sleep late and didn’t want to wake me. Now he is up all night playing games and sleeps during the day. It suits me fine, I don’t have to interact with him then. It’s sad that what started out so wonderful and could be beautiful is nothing more than a lie. Maybe I’m hoping that it will change, that he does care.

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Mantra of the day…all will be fine.

It’s taken me since last Wednesday to be able to sit down and put my thoughts together rationally. But that’s when I felt like I had a rug pulled from under me.

Wednesday morning began the same as every other weekday morning. At 5:30 am I get up to make sure he who wishes to be obeyed is up. By 6:00 he is up dressed and has had a coffee. 6:30 he leaves. I begin the day cleaning, doing laundry the usual. At 8am I heard his truck pull in the driveway. I went to the door saw him smiling. It was not a normal smile. It had something sinister about it. As he walked up to the patio door he said well looks like I get the winter off. I was shocked as the words flew around my head. Finally I asked what happened. He said before he logged in the supervisor called him into the office and said he was terminated effective immediately, he was not a good fit for the company. Immediately he began his speech of how he never did anything. He never swore, never took a day off. I reminded him of the video he sent to the dispatcher and in it he was swearing and saying if they sent him to this place again he would quit. He had told the same dispatcher two other times he was going to quit. I explained that the company most likely felt that rather than have him always threatening to quit they would let him go. This was the last day of his probation at work. 90 days he needed to control his language and temper, yet he couldn’t. Will he qualify for ei I don’t know. I had to push him into applying for that. As I write this he is in the same place he has been since Wednesday, sitting on the couch playing video games. I have been on his case about closing the trailer which the deadline is tomorrow to get into the park. Garbage is piled up outside waiting to go to the dump. Why don’t I take it you ask…because I’m not allowed to take his truck. And if I went alone I’m accused of going to meet someone. I’m at a point when he accuses me I just agree and ask him if he’s jealous. Not only is he narcissistic but also lazy, a procrastinator and seriously lacking motivation. Sorry I’m venting…he believes I should feel sorry for him. I don’t. He orchestrated this it was his actions that caused this company to terminate him, he can blame no one, but yet he does. This is the narcissist in him, he feels that he was picked in, the other drivers didn’t like him, he was set up. It is sad to think how it must feel believing these things on a daily basis, having only feelings of negativity, nothing positive in your thoughts. I can’t even imagine life like that yet I live with it daily. What’s next, I have no clue, we will see. Tomorrow is a new day and all will be fine.

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I See The Light

As the moving boxes fill and pile in readiness for the eagerly anticipated moving day, so does my anxiety and his anger. For so long he ignored boxes and now it’s as though the realization has hit. He says he hates me amongst other rude names but yet acts angry that I’m leaving. I will not be here to order around. I will not be here to take the blame for everything. I will not be here to humiliate sexually. I will not be here to push around physically. I will have the freedom to walk into a bathroom and lock the door without fear. I will lay my head down at night to close my eyes peacefully without fear of what he may do while I’m sleeping. I will cook food and proudly serve it to my family knowing they will not throw it in the garbage but will appreciate it. I will create jewelry with pride instead of fear. I will live in a home where everyone works together and no one is belittled or humiliated. I will know what it is to feel loved, appreciated and accepted for who I am. I know that the fear instilled in me will take time to break down and disappear. I know I will have some mistrust for men. But I know I will be on the road to recovery, instead of hell.

Tomorrow if all goes well the trailer will be sold and I will be confirming the moving date with the moving company. At this time I’m looking at July 25. How odd the day my first husband passed away. July 18 would have been our 25th wedding anniversary had cancer not entered our lives. It’s like a never ending nightmare that I can’t escape.

So Close……

My best advice to anyone in a relationship with a narcissist is run, when you do don’t ever look back. Don’t fall for the fake apologies, the fake concern because you know all too well when you return it only gets worse. If I had been smart this time last year I would have run. He was able to take a total of 30,000 dollars from me last year when my house sold, he had me repair his house. I bought a 10,000 dollar trailer that I’m now trying to sell to leave. I was approved for special priority housing because of physical, mental and emotional abuse over the three years of our marriage however they have nothing available. I will have to quit my medical job that he said was shit, in reality it was jealousy he was jealous I had a respectable good job and he had none, because he made me get rid of my possessions when I moved here I basically have nothing. My plan is to move to family that are four hours away. The trailer he has threatened to torch on me, tow it and hide it only because when things got really bad I would take the dog and retreat there. Then the threats against the cats started. What he would do to them when I’m gone. It is a living hell, it has created anxiety, insomnia, I feel emotionally distraught. I have the trailer listed in multiple areas. I have had one offer and when the time came no one showed up and I could no longer make contact. He of course found it quite funny which made me suspect that he had something to do with it. I thought I was so close to being able to leave to only have it snatched from my grasp.

Run, run the first chance you have, cut all ties and never look back.

Buckle Up Buttercup

….I think we are in for a bumpy ride. One thing I have learned in life is always expect change. I had anticipated moving to my brothers when housing had nothing available and then change happened. My employer who is a Dr had a little chat with me. The result was a verification letter confirming the abuse. On Friday I filed the forms for special priority. I am now waiting to hear if it has been accepted or rejected. And then we will find out how long the wait will be for that. At least it will be faster, and I will be able to stay here at my job. Another good thing will be protection. I’m still worried about the day I move even having support I’m still anxious about it. I’ve packed everything belonging to me and he acts like it’s not there. His mood is up and down, he yells at me and the animals. Now he has started sleeping from 4pm till midnight then gets up and starts playing his games again. I do feel bad for him. He didn’t ask to be abused as a child. But then he hasn’t reached out for help either. I do know there is nothing I can do other than help myself. I deserve to be in a relationship where there is mutual respect, mutual support, the same goals and morals.

Each Day Another Step

The light is getter brighter at the end of the tunnel. I still don’t want to breathe that sigh of relief yet because I’m not out of the woods. He could at any moment snap. He wanders around the house all night now muttering to himself when not playing his video game. He is zeroing in on anything and everything to yell at me about as well as continuously asking did I quit my job, when am I leaving, he’s going to let the birds out if I don’t take them because I apparently turned them against him. So many things that just make you shake your head and question “are you serious, listen to yourself for a minute”. Just as with everything else he wants to do absolutely nothing, I have to sell the trailer myself even though it would be just as easy for him to give me half and I’m gone, no I have to sell it myself and keep the money. The birds he went out and bought because he wanted them so badly I have to take or find a home for. Once I’m gone he will then sit in this dark house playing his video games until his unemployment runs out in October. I quite imagine he will have to sell the house after I’m gone. But that will be his issue. He may get what he has paid on the mortgage back but not much more. I will be 4 hours away and hopefully that will be far enough that he won’t be able to bother me. I know he is up to something because my phone hasn’t been cut off, I haven’t been completely blocked from using wifi only my iPad. So I’m not resting easy yet. The day the mover pulls out of the driveway with my belongings and I behind with the pets then it will be an emotional floodgate of what freedom feels like.

Moving Forward

Stage two is now in effect. The first was realizing I married a narcissist. The first few years I was blind and believed I could help him. I had a hard time believing that he didn’t regret how much he was hurting me. I made excuses for when he broke my rib. I thought if I left he would be sorry and change. None of this was normal to me. Narcissists are not normal. And no it isn’t their fault that trauma when young did this to them but they also don’t change.

I had applied for housing because of my job however that has changed. There are available apartments coming anytime soon so I reached out to family. I will be moving 4 hours away. To be honest I’m surprised he hasn’t cut my phone off or blocked me from using the internet. Maybe I spoke too soon. I am selling the trailer and then will bring in a mover and off I go. My healing will come after. I have to remember he uses projection of his own inadequacies upon me. I have to remember that once gone no contact means no contact. Not to fall for any of his hoovering tactics. Once I’m gone there is nothing he needs to contact me about. Scary exciting I’m terrified to be honest but so glad to have the support of my readers.

Checking In

First wishing all dads, stepdads, moms who are dad too, a very happy Father’s Day. You are appreciated for your love, guidance, monster killing, lesson teaching, breakfast making, taxi duties, and bedtime stories. I envy your families as I lost my dad when I was 27 and my kids lost their dad my first husband when they were even younger. It was a 20 year relationship that I don’t feel can ever be repeated. My second marriage comes no where close. I never knew of narcissistic behaviour prior. I had never been treated so poorly by anyone. I would rather be single than married and feeling so isolated and alone. A narcissist takes no responsibility for any of their actions, everything is someone else’s fault. They will twist stories tell lies yell curse blame at the drop of a hat. I am currently living no contact in the same house while waiting for housing to find me a home. When he flips I ignore him, I won’t take the bait and believe me he tries. He will play the tv loud and yell and talk throughout the night when he knows I have to get up for work. He will complain about food I’ve cooked, groceries I’ve bought, how I clean, what I have and haven’t done. He attacks me personally saying I’ve gotten fat, which I know is untrue, he is the one that has gained so much weight that it is disgusting how he walks around 24/7 in only underwear. No he still has no job we are going on 8 months since he lost his job. Oh you know the story it wasn’t his fault. There are days I feel sorry for myself and wish my first husband had never gotten sick. I know this is my fault I saw signs but made excuses, I could have walked a few times but didn’t. For now I make the best of a bad situation and keep moving forward.

Calm Waters

The saying all is calm before the storm….if that’s true I believe it’s going to be a whopper. He who wishes to be obeyed has been very quiet lately. This tells me he is either lost for a topic to complain about or he is planning. He has been unemployed for 7 1/2 months now. I have heard how he is going to buy a cab, he is going to buy a truck, not once has he spoke about applying for a job. He still plays video games 24/7, however he is no longer friends with most of the people on that. I have heard him bragging to people that one female wanted to hook up with him. She lives in the states…..this sounds so much like 10 year olds. They are dating but not in a physical way. Now she has blocked him as have quite a few of the other people. So now he is attempting to find new online friends. I am disgusted each day to have to see him walking around the house in his underwear. He has gained quite a bit of weight from his unhealthy eating habits and lack of exercise. I suppose I should be happy that he is no longer smoking pot in the house. I think he smoked so much that he made himself sick. His vehicles were due to have new plate stickers in January and he still hasn’t done that. The car needs a new oil pan because it’s rusted through. I noticed the other day there are knives missing from the drawer. One he used for fishing the other a butcher knife. I am sure he has realized that I no longer am afraid of him, that he cannot intimidate me. On Sunday he complained because I cut the grass. His complaints are ridiculous and receive no reaction from me.

I don’t know which is worse. Having to wait for housing or not knowing how long it will take. Even if I could afford an apartment I would still be waiting because there is nothing available. It’s like being stuck between a rock and a hard place.

Today Is A Low Day

Every now and then he gets to me. He pushes the right button says the right mean things hits the spot that breaks me completely emotionally. Many of you know I make jewelry in my spare time. It gives me something to focus on a place to fade into that is enjoyable has no yelling. I don’t sell a lot but I sell enough to break even. I made a comment this morning about my jewelry business and that gave him an open door to start. His words were like knives stabbing at my self confidence, attacking my creativity, stating I have no business it’s nothing. On and on he went. I had to walk away because I could no longer hold back the tears, my pride my self worth my feelings of accomplishment all shattered in a million pieces, I feel like I’m holding sand and it’s slipping away between my fingers.

I can understand why so many involved with narcissist partners lose hope, lose their sense of self.

And I know many of you will say he is only jealous because of the success I’ve had selling and having my jewelry published in a magazine. Despite all that it still hurts, it still cuts and I still feel like I’ve had the wind knocked out of me.

So like an injured animal I’m going to retreat today and tend to my wounded spirit.

Breathe, count to 10

The hardest part about being in a relationship with a narcissist is not allowing yourself to become petty or vindictive. When the insults are thrown it’s hard not to take it personally. To day when I got up I was met in the hall by he who wishes to be obeyed and a bag of chips pushed in my face. 7am and he is eating chips. I was accused of deliberately squashing them. I looked at him in disbelief as he ranted about how I had better not buy any more broken chips. I knew what happened but had no desire to explain as he really didn’t care the other day as I tried to open the door and navigate my way in with the box of groceries which I lost and as I scrambled to grab the box got my hand caught.

I had called to him in the house to come help me but he was busy playing video games. I have been subjected today to being told I’m worse than anyone he has been with and deserve to be punched. His first marriage lasted 6months, one girlfriend ended up dating his brother and marrying him, another girl lived with him for a few years and left him because of abuse. His son and daughter want nothing to do with him and he has no idea where they are. Do I wish I had known this before yes, would I have done things differently yes. Would I have ran the other way most certainly. But for now I will wait patiently for housing to find me a place. I don’t think the reality has really hit him. I think he believes I’m not going to leave. When that door opens I’ll be running.

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